WHEN I JERK OFF, I THINK OF YOU
I CAN'T SAY THESE THINGS
RING TONES
The Ten Second National Anthem
The Red Peters Song Snatch
Podcast
- February 17, 2011
- No comment
- in Catalog Comedy, Oglio Comedy
Tagged Red Peters
Browsing all posts tagged with Red Peters
- February 17, 2011
- No comment
- in Catalog Comedy, Oglio Comedy
Red Peters – Ol Blue Balls Is Back
OL' BLUE BALLS IS BACK
Track Listing
1. Alan Pinchloaf Welcome (w/Pinchloaf's Theme)
2. The Spelling Songp
3. I Don't Just Love You Down There
p4. Pullin' It All Night Long
6. The First Time I Met You
7. I Wanna Polka Polka
8. Doggy Style
9. Babe's Auto Villa
10. Pinchloaf segue #2
11. You Ain't Getting' Shit For Christmas
12. Up Your Ass
13. Long And Hard
14. Natural Causes Chicken
16. Pinchloaf segue #3
p>
17. Use Your Hand
18. Take It Out At The Ballgame
19. Peenitch
20. Gourmet Firewood
OL BLUE BALLS IS BACK
LYRICS
Red Peters
with Babe Marino Orchestra and the Phillip Oliver Hole Singers
"The Spelling Song"
(Stevens, Grenga, Johnson)
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
These are the words that I wanted to shout
but I guess it's just best
if I spell them out
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
I-C-A-N-T-S-T-A-N-D-Y-O-U, no more
G-E-T-T-H-E-F-U-C-K-O-U-T, the door
These are the words that I want to say
I think I shall use
an alternative way
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
(girls only)
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-T-O-O-E-A-T-M-E
Red- "Hey, wait a minute"
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-T-O-O-E-A-T-M-E
Red- "Nice talk."
I quite understand what I think that you mean
so I'll try to reply
without being obscene
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
Red Peters
with The Harry Kuntz Orchestra
" I Don't Just Love You Down There"
(McMahon, Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
I don't just love you down there
I really care about you as a person
I don't just dream of your thighs
for in my eyes
you fill up my skies
with your prize
but I really love you as a person
I keep on dreaming
and scheming
and reaming
you're gleaming
and screaming
tonite
I don't just love you down there
yet I'm aware
what you've got down there
that's where I stare
but I really love you as a person
I really, really do....
Red Peters
with Hot Spunky Load
"Pulling It All Night Long"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long Aha- oh yeah
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long Aha- oh yeah
I'm standing here
solution in hand
half in the bag
all buffed and tanned
It's been so long
and it's getting long again
so come on over
and meet your new friend
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
that tingling feeling
has got me on my feet
hands in my pockets
pulling to the beat
now there's a spot on you
and a smile on my face
let's skip the small talk
and cut to the chase
Girls- "Hey Mona, what's up? (laffing) Oh my God look what's coming our way. Nice do!"
Red- "Hi ladies... My name's Testicles, Lord of the Pants."
Girls- "what he say?, I think he said he's got a load in his pants."
Red- "Mind if I lay a few scenarios on you?"
Red- "If I jumped on your back, would you beat me off?
Girls- "Ehwww..."
Red- "If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?"
Red- "If I owned a meat market and you were inside, and all of a sudden it caught on fire, would you take my meat and beat it?"
Girls- "What an asshole!!!"
bkgds: "Someone's gonna be pullin it, that someone's gonna be you..."
Girls- "Oh no, here he comes again."
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Red- "May I have your e-mail address? "
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Girl- "Yah... kiss my ass.com"
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Red- "Why don't you fax me sometime?"
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Girl- "I wouldn't fax you if you were the last guy on earth."
Red- "Thanks for the input."
Singers- Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long
etc.
Red Peters
with The Windbreakers and the Delicious Dips
"The First Time That I Met You"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
I wandered through this crazy town, my head up in a cloud
Looking for a place to do my biz
I zipped my fly and saw that I'd attracted quite a crowd
but your face it was the one I couldn't miss
The first time that I saw you baby
I thought I stepped in shit
At least that's what it felt like baby
the more I think of it.
Now I stand here unafraid
I wanna get laid (he wants to get laid)
I wanna get laid
we talked all nite and got to know each other inside out
you taught me what it means to be a girl
and should I find it hard again I won't sit here and pout
we'll take a little trip around the world
(girls only)
The first time that you met me baby
you thought that I was such a pig
(Red)
but that's what I love about you baby
You really do the things I dig
and I'm so glad that you stayed
now I wanna get laid
I wanna get laid in the sunshine
I wanna get laid in the moonlight baby
I'd rather get blown but I'll settle for a handy
as long as it's your hand and not my own
The first time that we held each other
I thought I'd lose my place
you guided me inside your mind, love
and then onto your face
The greatest love the world has ever known
I wanna get blown (he wants to get blown)
I wanna get blown
and then I wanna get laid
Red Peters
with the Ivan Offelcockich Orchestra
"I Wanna Polka Polka"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
See that girl with the pretty red dress on,
I wanna polka.
I love the way she spins and twirls,
I wanna polka.
Oh how I wish that she'd look my way now,
Then I could polka.
I'd love to feel those pretty little curls,
How I wanna polka.
We took a little trip down to Love Canal (NY),
So I could polka.
but we stopped in French Lick, Indiana
No time to polka!
Intercourse Pennsylvania was my destination
wanted to polka.
But she left me down in Blue Ball PA,
Never got to polka.
well I went up to Maine to Bangor
then I went down to Florida to Tampa
but when all is said and done
I'd rather polka.
We spent sometime in Flushing NY,
I had to polka.
She said not until we get to Hygiene CO,
then maybe I could polka.
I said first let's stop at Moorehead Jersey,
before I polka.
Things got salty in Saline Michigan,
Never got to polka.
She said let's go to Bonesteel, (SD)
now there's a place I'll polka.
but it went Askew in Mississppi,
Didn't know if I could polka.
Climax MI was our destination,
She wanted me to polka.
but I had to make a stop in Crappo MD,
I lost the urge to polka.
well I went up to Maine to Bangor
then I went down to Florida to Tampa
but when all is said and done
I'd rather polka.
French Lick, Love Canal
Blue Ball, Moorehead
I Wanna Polka
Bonesteel, Intercourse
Climax, Crappo
I Wanna Polka
Tampa, Flushing
Hygiene, Saline
I Wanna Polka
Gaysport (OH), Gayhead (MA)
Gayville (SD), Mudlick (KY)
I Wanna polka
Red Peters
with Meat Raffle and Cousins & Lovers
"Doggy Style"
(Grenga, Phillips)
Shitfaced on Sunday, work on Monday,
Tuesday's kind of a drag
Wednesday's a hummer, Thursday's a bummer,
Fridays I'm half in the bag
Saturday evenin', I'm still reelin'
from a ten pack Smirnoff nips
Now I can barely see your face
so put away those chains and whips
cause I say
Let's do it doggy style
Let's do it doggy style
Let's do it doggy style so we can both watch TV
January, February, April May June and July
August September, October November,
whatever happened to March
New Year's evenin', I'm still reelin'
from a twelve pack o' Miller beer
Quit blockin the television babe
and get your sweet ass over here
Now Hee Haw is my favorite program.
And Flipper and the Simpsons ain't bad
Now I don't like the Nanny but I like watchin her fanny
and Gloria's gotten so fat that it makes me sad yeah
and that Ginger is one hot tomatah,
but I think I prefer Mary Ann
Now if you don't wanna do it the hell with it screw it
just don' let me take matters into my own hands yeah
Red Peters
with Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers
"You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.
I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package. Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an overnite package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read...
"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year. Love, Princess."
Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself...
You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas
You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinking again. (sfx-doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.
"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this address."
Hey Ma, save some for me.
Well, Ma took a coniption things turned ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she was yelling...
You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas
Red Peters
with Shootin' Pool With A Rope
Long And Hard
(Orrall)
I was never good enough for you
Except for all those sleepless nights
When you loved me black and blue
You said I was good for nothing
But there's one thing I could do
Now your memory's trying to tell you
If you think about me long hard
You'll remember why you love me
Think about the length
Of time you spent just above me.
In the bedroom, in the car,
in the nieghbor's yard
You'll remember why you love
If you think about me long and hard.
The way you look is practically a crime
A man would have to be insane
to leave that behind
You'll never find a smiling fool
with one as big as mine,
I wonder now how do you fill your time.
If you think about me long hard
You'll remember why you love me
Think about the length
Of time you spent just above me.
In the kitchen, in your truck
I know I measured up
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.
In the front yard 'n the rear
After half a dozen beers
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.
In the outhouse, in the woods
Hell anywhere we could.
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.
Red Peters
and Dumpster Punch
"The Closing Song"
(Vercillo, Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)
It's that time again
we gotta say good night
you know it's getting late
tomorrow is another day my friend
you don't have to go home
but you can't stay here
now you're making me mad
you gonna make me swear
get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
you might as well call it a night my friend
you gonna have ta
get the fuck out
all right... aha... mmm
maybe I'm outta line
but I'll take the blame
there are no better choice of words
that I can use to explain
get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my friend
you gonna have to
get the fuck out
get the fuck out
Hey Buddy, I'm talking to you
thanks for comin', now pay your tab and screw
make like a drum and beat it
make like a tree and leave
all you fellas and cinderellas
I'm giving you the heave
ooo, get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
call it a night old friend
get the fuck out
get the fuck out
so long
arrivederci
sayanara
ciao
good night
Bye bye
so long
farewell
see you later
alligator
in a while
crocodile
say goodnight
get the fuck out
get the fuck outta here
come on
give me a fuckin' break
(customer) "Can I get a refill, please?"
hey, you, fuckface
get outta here
what are you, fuckin' deaf?
yah, you...
Red Peters
with Marshmellow Piggy Bank
and The Moron Tabernipple Choir orchestra conducted by Yo Ma Ma
"Use Your Hand Anthem"
(Stevens, Lawry, Johnson, Grenga)
Yesterday when we spoke
you said you'd do anything
anything I asked you to do
yesterday when we spoke
you promised me love and affection
and honey I'm long overdue
but when I see you
I know that things aren't looking right
there is something about you
that says "no, not tonite."
when I'm all backed up
how can you leave me this way
you gotta do me a favor
and this is all I'll say...
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand (have mercy now)
Use Your Hand On Me
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand On Me
now we're sitting side by side
kissing in the car
but everytime I reach for anything
I don't get very far
I can see you're hot and heavy
you're soaking up my seat
can't you see my balls are blue
my face red as a beet
when I'm all backed up
how can you leave me this way
you gotta do me a favor
and this is all I'll say...
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand (have mercy now)
Use Your Hand On Me
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand
- February 17, 2011
- No comment
- in Catalog Comedy, Oglio Comedy
Red Peters – I Laughed I Cried I Fudged My Undies
RED PETERS
I LAUGHED... I CRIED... I FUDGED MY UNDIES!
Track Listing
1. Baby Blue Intro (with Alan Pinchloaf)
2. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)
3. How's Your Whole... Family?
4. The Two Gay Irishmen
5. Rocket In My Pants
6. Intro By Alan Pinchloaf
7. Holy Shit, It's Christmas
8. Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains
9. The Dark Years: Stains Incident / Tourette Benefit / I'm A Pig / Did You Ever Fudge Your Undies In The Rain? / Fudge Rap / Oggie, The Doggie Bag Slicer / Italian Polka
10. Little Peter
11. You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)
12. Baby Blue
(Instrumental)
13. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)
(Instrumental)
14. You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)
(Karaoke Mix)
15. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)
(Karaoke Mix)
16. Diana
17. The 10 Second National Anthem
Red Peters
with The Heywood Jablomi Singers
"Baby Blue"
(Grenga/Stevens/Lawry)
Baby Blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby blew.....
...me.
Red Peters
with The Babe Marino Orchestra
(featuring The Alan Pinchloaf Singers)
"Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)"
(Stevens/Grenga)
(whispered)
"This is very special...
Hi Dick... Bob.
... pretty good thanks."
(sung)
Blow me
You hardly even know me
just set yourself below me
and blow me... tonite.
a handy
would certainly be dandy
but it's not enough to slow me
you gotta blow me... allright.
when you part your lips that way
ooo... I want you night and day
when you squeeze my balls so tight
I wanna blow my load with all my might!!
so blow me
you hardly even know me
just set yourself below
you gotta blow me tonite
"Come on everybody!!!" (whole audience joins in)
Blow me
You hardly even know me
so blow me
you gotta blow me
so blow me
Blow me tonite!
Red Peters
with Tex Marino and The Poisonaires
"How's Your Whole... Family?"
(Stevens/Grenga/Lawry)
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-tation machine?)
How's your dic-tation machine?
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today.
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (come on-a wanna baby won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-trological chart?)
Won't you do my as-trological chart?
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me.
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (Tell me how's that great big whole)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?
(spoken) "Prick!"
Red Peters
with the Smokin' Cockneys
"The Two Gay Irishmen"
(Stevens/Grenga/Johnson/Lawry)
The whole clan met at Galway Bay
where seamen push up stools
they were giggling like the Coleens
and playing pocket pool
they washed their balls in stout that night
and bid their last good-byes
"We're off to kiss the Blarney Stone,
so zipper up your flys!"
Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on you're way to Blarney
with Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!
"Well grab your bags!" cried Pat Magroin
it's time to pick your seat.
While Paddy O'Furniture grabbed the wheel
Dick Burns turned up the heat
they fiddled and diddled all full of malarky
their trousers felt a lump
so the Bulgers grabbed their Johnsons
and gave them all a pump
Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on you're way to Blarney
with Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!
Well Peter Hickey, Rick O'Shea
Neal Downe and Phillip McCann
Dick Long pulled out his shillelagh
and with it lead the band
Phil McCracken started snackin'
on leprechaun-on-the cob
the bus began to rumble
and heads began to bob.
And so they kissed the Blarney Stone
and grabbed the gift of gab
Connie Lingus snapped their portrait
in front of that mossy slab
all they had on were the smiles on their faces
a grinnin' from ear to ear
from left to right
I'll call out their names
I'll tell you who was there...
Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on the way to Blarney
with...
Pat Magroin
Paddy O'Furniture
Dick Long
the Bulgers, the Johnsons
Peter Hickey
Rick O'Shea
Neal Downe
Phillip McCann
Dick Burns
Phil McCracken
Michael Fitzpeter
Peter Fitzmichael
Maurice Fitzhenry
Henry Fitzmaurice
and...
Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!
the two gay Irishmen!
the two gay Irishmen!
Red Peters
with the Joy Kingoff Singers
"Rocket In My Pants"
(Grenga/Stevens)
I took the shuttle to your pad last nite
my Venus rising as you held it so tight
you had me in a trance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.
Alpha Centuri wasn't far from the scene
Aurora Borealis, I don't know what that means
cuz when you said let's dance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.
Two hearts traveling on vacation
one fine Sunday afternoon
my pod enters your space station
my capsule was upright
so I parked it overnite
And so two space ships that pass in the sky
have docked successfully the very first try
an astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.
My pod enters your space station
My Sputnik fit so tight
I launched a satellite
And so two space ships that pass in the sky
have docked successfully the very first try
an astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.
An astronomical romance (where the fuck is France?)
An astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.
Red Peters
with The New Christy Hamsters
"Holy Shit, It's Christmas!"
(Grenga/Stevens/Johnson/Lawry)
SFX - Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.
(off in the distance) "Ho, ho, ho....."
Hamster #1 - "Did you hear that?"
Hamster #2 - "Hey everybody, Santa's here!"
Hamster #3 - "Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus."
Hamster #2 - "There is, too!"
SFX - knock on door
Hamsters - "He's here!!!"
SFX - door bursts open
Red - "Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!"
Hamster #1 - "Aw, shit, it's Red Peters..."
Hamsters - "Awww..." (grumbling in unison)
Red - "Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here. We're gonna sing us a happy Christmas song."
Hamster #1 - "Oh no, not another corny, stupid song."
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, no way Red."
Hamsters - "Yeah, yeah..."
Red - "Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!"
Hamsters - "OK!, OK!...jeesh!"
SUNG
Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me
forget about out all that teasin'
we're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree
cuz it's that jolly season
I know you been naughty, but have you been nice
that's only Santa's business
he's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
HAMSTERS
Santa comes just once a year
just like you Red, that's what we hear
he's got a soft spot for reindeer
especially Rudolph's derriere
knock it off fellas it's a holiday
go on give santa a big kiss
you can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Red - "Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyric sheet?"
Hamster #1 - "Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.
We know our parts by heart. Right fellas?" (giggles)
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, sure, I know my part, Godfried." (giggles)
Hamster #3 - "Yah, me too!" (giggles)
Red- "Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs."
SUNG
(Godfried) - Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse
after drinking all the eggnog
(Bruce) - camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two
squashing off a yule log
(Raliegh) - he wandered in his undies all over the house
but we minded our own business
(Hamsters) - til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube
(All) - Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
(Red) Santa comes just once a year
up the chimney he'll disappear
(hamsters) keep on the look out for Mr. Gear
hamster deliveries in the rear
Red - (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking...) "Gimme those lyrics!!!"
Roastnuts chestin' on an open fire
Santas tongue stuck to the doorknob
His balls got fondled by a carolin' choir
While the parson gave him a hand... what?
The sleigh came down and took him away
That whole damn crowd was dismissed
It was time to be jolly, a time to be gay
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Red Peters
with Smelly Water
featuring The Dickner Brothers (Iben, Uben & Heben)
"Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains"
(Stevens/Johnson/Lawry/Grenga)
(spoken word)
I was sittin' out on the porch the other night
reminiscing about the good ole days
and how my grandson Bobby and I would finish up chores
and mosey on into town.
Heck, we were poor back then
but we loved window shopping.
And I recall how excited Bobby'd get
'specially when we stopped by the pet shop.
you see, there was this one little puppy
that he really took a hankerin' to
and he'd look up at me and say
"Grandpa... if that was my dog, I'd name him Stains,
cuz of that splash of white on his coat."
Well, right then and there, I made a up my mind,
that I'd get that little critter for Bobby
so that following mornin', I cashed in a savings bond and brought the little mutt home.
Darnit, I couldn't tell you who was happiest that day,
me, Bobby or that there dog.
Them two were inseparable ....
why, you'da need a crowbar to separate those two.
And to this day, I can still hear the boy hollerin' after that dog...
still hear him calling... calling out his name...
(sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can Hear him calling...Come Stains!
(spoken word)
you know, we don't like talkin' about it much
but it was that following winter
that little Bobby took ill.
and they don't allow dogs at the hospital
so back home you'd find Stains on Bobby's bed.
I'll never forget the day Doc called
and gave us the bad news about Bobby
out of the corner of my eye
I saw Stains lift his sad little dogface from Bobby's pillow.
Somehow he knew that Bobby was gone
and I swear to the good lord
that Stains was hearing Bobby calling out to him one more time from heaven
he just sorta smiled, crossed his paws like he was prayin'
put his head on the pillow..........and passed away.
(sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!
(boy and dog united in Heaven) "Come Stains! Come Stains!...Stains!...Woof, woof..."
Red Peters
with the Dusty Underbed Orchestra
"Little Peter"
(Grenga/Stevens)
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
And there's no one
Lying next to me
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
Little Peter keeps me company
When I'm in the can
When I take a shit
I can see him smiling up at me
so I pull him once
then I pull him twice
now I find it's impossible to pee
If you go
I'll be a one man show
But if you stay
I'll put my friend away
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
And there's no one
Lying next to me
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
Little Peter keeps me company
Little Peter keeps me company.
Red Peters
with The Babe Marino Orchestra
"You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)"
(Grenga/Stevens)
You promised the moon
but I preferred Uranus
the stars must be right
cuz Uranus looks good tonight.
The moon was in June
how it inflamed us
a beautiful sight
and Uranus looks good tonite.
I'm not queer
I'm just experimenting an idea *
the feeling's unrelenting
when you're near
that feeling starts extending
towards your rear.
Ain't it clear
I just wanna bone ya'
have no fear
I'm not full of balogna
You and I could fly to Uranus tonite!
I'm not queer
I'm just experimenting an idea *
the feeling's unrelenting
when you're near
that feeling starts extending
towards your rear
Ain't it clear
I just wanna bone ya'
have no fear
I'm not full of balogna
You and I could fly so high
in the sky, in the night
well allright, yah, you bite
You and I could fly to Uranus!
* overheard conversation at restaurant
- February 17, 2011
- No comment
- in Catalog Comedy, Catalog Holiday, Oglio Comedy
Red Peters – It’s A Red Peters Christmas
IT'S A RED PETERS CHRISTMAS!
Track Listing
Holy Shit, It’s Christmas! - Red Peters
It’s Christmas, And You’re Sucking On My Balls - The Beaver Boys
Santa’s Gonna Kick Your Ass - The Arrogant Worms
Merry Fucking Christmas - Those Dreaded Gnats
Silent Butt Deadly Night - Jingle Smells Pull My Finger
Sno’ Balls - Rudy Casoni
Great Big Xmas Balls - Q
Santa Santa - Jackie West (with Billy West)
Naughty Or Nice - Francine The Queen of Obscene
She Gave Me Blue Balls For Christmas - Lil’ Mikey Roohan
Merry Christmas From The Taggarts - The Billionaires Club
I’ve Got A Boner For Christmas - Nerf Herder
A Christmas Warning - El Privates
Herpes Infected Christmas Elf - Pooch
Gangsta Rap Christmas - No Talent
Gimme Stuff - Rappy McRapperson
Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year - Tiny Tim
You Ain’t Getting Shit For Christmas! - Red Peters
It's A Red Peters Christmas! Commercial
+++
It’s A Red Peters Christmas with a new Holiday radio show
and a companion audio release featuring 18 of the most original,
diverse and uncensored Holiday songs you’ll hear this season!
(Los Angeles) - Red Peters will be ringing in the Holidays on his Red Peters Comedy Music Hour radio show as heard on the Sirius XM channel Howard 101 with his annual It’s A Red Peters Christmas! Holiday show. There is the brand new audio companion to the radio show, a new Red Peters Presents compilation featuring 18 hand-picked tunes sure to satisfy any Holiday mood. It’s A Red Peters Christmas!, the music compilation, available now from Oglio Records, a Fontana/Universal distributed label. In addition to several songs being available for the first time commercially, this project features a previously unreleased track from the cult icon Tiny Tim.
As a collector, writer and producer of holiday songs, Red realized, perhaps more than anyone, that Christmas means different things to different people. It’s A Red Peters Christmas! showcases some of the most original, diverse, funny and tragic, uncut and uncensored Christmas songs you’ll ever hear. “All I can say is, this is some pretty raw stuff. It’s definitely not your Burl Ives Christmas, or for the tame of heart.” explains Peters. “But, the songs are remarkably original, heartfelt and at times pretty funny. I’ve collected a lot of really outrageous holiday songs over the years. It’s always a challenge to fit in all my favorites”.
- February 16, 2011
- Comments Off on Red Peters – Catalog
- in Catalog Comedy, Comedy, Oglio Comedy
Red Peters – Catalog
Go here for more > I LAUGHED... ALBUM PAGE
OL' BLUE BALLS IS BACK
Go here for more > OL BLUE BALLS IS BACK ALBUM PAGE
RED PETERS PRESENTS...
THE RED PETERS COMEDY MUSIC HOUR VOLUME 1
Go here for more > COMEDY MUSIC HOUR ALBUM PAGE
RED PETERS PRESENTS THE SUMMER SONG SIZZLER
Go here for more > SUMMER SONG SIZZLER ALBUM PAGE
RED PETERS PODCAST
RED PETERS SONG SNATCH
Go here for more > RED PETERS PODCAST PAGE
RED PETERS HOLIDAY MUSIC
IT'S A RED PETERS CHRISTMAS!
Go here for more > RED PETERS CHRISTMAS ALBUM PAGE
HAVE A WONDERFUL HAWAIIAN CHRISTMAS
Go here for more > Hawaiian Christmas page
THE CHRISTMAS GIFT
Go here for more > Christmas Gift page
RED PETERS SINGLES
WHEN I JERK OFF, I THINK OF YOU
Go here for more > RED DIGI SINGLES PAGE
I CAN'T SAY THESE THINGS
Go here for more > RED DIGI SINGLES PAGE
- February 16, 2011
- No comment
- in Catalog Comedy, Oglio Comedy
Red Peters – Compilations
Show Intro/I Can't Say These Things - Red Peters
5 Big Boners Wiggling In Your Grandma's Face - Rappy McRapperson
The Hand Of The Almighty - John R. Butler
If I Had The Copyright On The Word Fuck - Carla Ulbrich
Unwanted Rock Advance (Fucking You With The Rock & Roll) - Joel Moss
There's A Critter Up My Shitter - Alabama Big Earl
I Gotta Take A Shit - Roach Band
Doodie Doo - Prez
2Fat2Fuck - Rap Bastardz
He's An Asshole - Francine The Queen of Obscene
Her Shit Don't Stink - Ken Turetzky
25 Dollar Blow Job - Van Stone
Cunnilingus - Dick Butt Kiss and The Tightends
Pussy Puff - Dick-N-Jayne
If You Ain't Country... - Mr. Dickie Weed
Poo Poo Pee Pee - Bunkum
Two In The Pink - The Dirty Dogz
Will You Swallow My Cum - Larry Pierce
The Closing Song - Red Peters
The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour Show
New CD Of Listener Submitted Songs
Is Uncensored, Uncut And Explicitly Funny
Red Peters, host of the Red Peters Comedy Music Hour Radio Show on Sirius Satellite Radio, is set to release the Best of the Red Peters Comedy Music Hour Vol, 1 CD on Oglio Comedy Records, a Fontana/Universal distributed label. The compilation is the best of outrageous comedy songs (rock, rap and country) that artists and listeners have submitted to his show in it’s first year of broadcast. The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour Radio Show airs weekly on Howard Stern’s Sirius channel, Howard 101, and is the only national show devoted completely to showcasing uncut and uncensored comedy music.
Red, a comedy song musicologist and producer, has tapped into a blue music world of artists and songwriters fearlessly writing in a medium that is equal parts modern day vaudevillian, behind the counter irreverent and just plain juvenile that has existed on the fringes of the accepted national music consciousness since the beginnings of composed music.
Red’s own track “I Can’t Say These Things”, a cool Latin, Jobim influenced composition was one of Howard’s theme songs as he clashed with the FCC and became Red’s official intro to his own show when the Howard Sirius channels began. The 17 artists featured on the compilation come from all walks of life and each have their own websites and MySpace pages for further listening.
Guaranteed to raise the ire of your parents and make you laugh, welcome to world of the Red Peters Comedy Music Hour!
Track Listing
- Show Intro/I Can't Say These Things - Red Peters
- 5 Big Boners Wiggling In Your Grandma's Face - Rappy McRapperson
- The Hand Of The Almighty - John R. Butler
- If I Had The Copyright On The Word Fuck - Carla Ulbrich
- Unwanted Rock Advance (Fucking You With The Rock & Roll) - Joel Moss
- There's A Critter Up My Shitter - Alabama Big Earl
- I Gotta Take A Shit - Roach Band
- Doodie Doo - Prez
- 2Fat2Fuck - Rap Bastardz
- He's An Asshole - Francine The Queen of Obscene
- Her Shit Don't Stink - Ken Turetzky
- 25 Dollar Blow Job - Van Stone
- Cunnilingus - Dick Butt Kiss and The Tightends
- Pussy Puff - Dick-N-Jayne
- If You Ain't Country... - Mr. Dickie Weed
- Poo Poo Pee Pee - Bunkum
- Two In The Pink - The Dirty Dogz
- Will You Swallow My Cum - Larry Pierce
- The Closing Song - Red Peters
www.myspace.com/dickieweed
Press Photo
Dickie Weed is regular contributor to the Red Peters Comedy Music Hour. He’s a prolific Nashville based songwriter who writes professionally under his real name and has written songs for Glen Campbell, Willie Nelson, Bonnie Raitt, Waylon Jennings, Ray Charles, The Allman Brothers, Brooks & Dunne, and Cher. He loves to have a few drinks, smoke some herb, and then write fucked up songs. And he does it for himself, his friends, and for shits and giggles. His finely crafted songs have excellent lyrics and great melodies, and are recorded and produced to the highest standards.
Sons Of Butcher "Fuck The Shit"
www.sonsofbutcher.com
Press Photo
This Hamilton, Ontario based power trio enjoyed two years of success with their animated cartoon series on Canada’s Teletoon Network. The show was nominated for a Gemini for Best Animated Series and is currently seen in reruns in more than 150 countries worldwide and is available on DVD. This hard rocking group writes, records and performs “party rock” singing about chicks whipping their tits out, anal sex, and living the rock & roll lifestyle.
Cock Lorge "I Want You"
www.cocklorge.com
Press Photo
Cock Lorge is a NYC based performer and songwriter that has been described as “a pornographic Neil Young with heart and hilarity”. His songs poke fun at pop metaphors and his melodies are addictively memorable, sticking in your head forever. The Cock Lorge Band appears monthly as part of the “Thank Cock It’s Friday” variety show, which takes place on the first Friday of each month at Pianos in NYC.
The Wet Spots "Do You Take It In The Ass?"
www.wetspotsmusic.net
Press Photo
Jon Woods and Cass King are the internationally acclaimed Vancouver, British Columbia cabaret duo who sing about sex, threesomes, and taking it in the ass. They started out in small clubs in 2003 and have since traveled extensively, playing shows across Canada, the US, the UK and Australia. Their live show blends original songs, audience interaction, spankings, and sing-a-longs, and their video of this song has been viewed more than several million times on YouTube.
Lil’ Mikey Roohan "Jerkin’ Off Tonight"
www.littlemikeyonline.com
Press Photo
Greensboro, North Carolina native Lil’ Mikey Roohan, is probably best known for his filthy, but hilarious song parodies about his love for Robin Quivers that play just before her news segment on The Howard Stern Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. He is also an accomplished singer/songwriter whose humorous, but sensitive lyrics, cry out about disappointment and heartache, love lost, and relationships gone wrong.
Biker Joe Warren "Fuck You"
www.bikerjoe.com
Press Photo
Biker Joe Warren was an American hero who volunteered and served in Vietnam where he collected a Silver Star and Purple Heart. When he returned home in 1969, he got caught up in the turbulent times and was busted for a joint and a half of shitty, Mexican weed and served several years in prison. But, while there he wrote poetry that later became lyrics for many of his songs. His zany humor, and raunchy, in your face lyrics and expert musicianship combined to form adult entertainment at it’s very best. Sex, cycles (he loved his Harley), and his unique lifestyle formed the basis for much of his material. In 1996, while cruising on the highway, Biker Joe was killed by an 18-wheeler. He is sorely missed, but will live on forever through his music.
Tastiskank "The Sex Song"
www.myspace.com/tastiskankmusic
Press Photo
Billed as the rockin’ love child of Tenacious D and the Indigo Girls, Sarah & Kate comprised the now defunct NYC duo...Tastiskank!! They performed at the HBO Aspen Comedy Festival and won the Jury Award for BREAKOUT PERFORMANCE in 2007!! These two bitches were also voted as the "Top 25 Sexiest New Yorker’s" by the NY POST.
Larry Pierce "All I Did Was Just Fuck Her"
www.larrypierce.com
Press Photo
Middletown, Indiana’s Larry Pierce is the king of dirty country music. As a matter of fact, Larry, a family man and a one time factory worker, is the subject of and stars in the feature documentary film, “Dirty Country.” A frequent guest on the Howard Stern Show, he writes and records some of the funniest and raunchiest songs you’ll ever hear. Since 1993, Larry has released more than a dozen albums at truck stops across America, and performs live with his band, -itis.
The Beaver Boys "A Blow Job Is Better Than No Job"
www.beaverboys.net
Press Photo
This mysterious, Chicago based duo met in college and write and record anonymously as Dirty Derek and Gary Gash. What started out as a ploy to attract chicks and get laid, has turned into a creative series of very funny and filthy adult comedy songs. By day, they live and work as a mortgage broker and a financial planner for high-net worth individuals, and even their parents and co-workers have no idea what they do for fun and leisure.
Uncle Carl "I’m Too Tired (To Masturbate)"
www.unclecarl.net
Press Photo
New Jersey native, Uncle Carl is a professional, working class musician who has played and toured with Little Anthony & The Imperials, The Shirelles, The Tokens, and Sam from Sam & Dave. He has benefited from his association and experience with these 50’s, 60’s and 70’s artists and songwriters in his own writing. And it shows in this authentic, finely produced blues number with his fine vocals and tasty guitar licks.
William H Nutsack "Destination Dirtpipe"
www.williamhnutsack.com
Press Photo
Award winning LA porn Director, William H Nutsack is no stranger to taboo subject matter in his art and music. He has directed more than 100 films with titles like Big Wet Asses, Swallow My Squirt, Big Wet Tits, Squirt Gangbang 2, Blow It Out Your Ass, Teenage Anal Addict, Squirt In My Gape 2, Cum Drenched Black Tits, and of course, Destination Dirtpipe. William routinely writes and records songs for his films and uses humor for emphasis and to drive home the point.
Red Peters "When I Jerk Off, I Think Of You"
www.redpeters.com
Press Photo
Boston singer/songwriter Red Peters is the author of two best selling comedy music cds, “I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies!” and “Ol’ Blue Balls Is Back!”, and is host of The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour on Howard 101, Sirius Satellite Radio. He has produced several cd collections with various artists on Oglio Comedy, including “The Best Of The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour, Vol. 1”, “It’s A Red Peters Christmas, Vol. 1”, and “Red Peters Presents, The Summer Song Sizzler”. His song, “I Can’t Say These Things” was nominated for a Grammy in 2006, and was featured by Howard Stern as his anthem for his highly publicized battle with the FCC before leaving terrestrial radio and heralded his move to satellite.
Cameron Bameron "Fuck You"
www.myspace.com/cameronbameron
Press Photo
Pacific Northwest singer/songwriter Cameron Bameron grew up as a Mormon, and started writing silly songs as therapy on the ukelele after an emotional break-up with his girlfriend. He appeared on a classic Judge Judy episode as the defendant in a case that involved him being fired 30 seconds into a gig at a family function and where the host demanded her money back. He was shut down for playing an outrageous, controversial, and off color song. Judge Judy ruled in his favor. His mother designed and painted his album cover.
Bob Garrett’s Banned "There’s A Homo In The Bunkhouse"
www.homointhebunkhouse.com
Press Photo
Bob Garrett is a professional musician from Southern California and works with a lot of great musicians, including guitarist Greg Douglas from The Steve Miller Band who plays on this song. Like most musical journeymen, the temptation to use his God-given talents to lampoon popular songs and write blasphemous, off-color ditties is uncontrollable. His album, “Songs To Offend Just About Everyone” says it all.
Pig Vomit "Vagina"
www.thevibratones.com
Press Photo
In the early 1990’s, while at K-Rock in NYC, Howard Stern had a house band, and that band was Pig Vomit. The band was fronted by singer/songwriter/keyboardist, Frank Esposito, and they appeared on Stern’s radio and TV shows, and at his shows at Madison Square Garden, Nassau Coliseum, Capital Center, and The Bitter End. Frank has played and recorded with Bon Jovi, The Who, Jethro Tull, the Billy Joel Band, Billy Squier, John Melencamp, Foreigner, Leslie West, Hall & Oates, KISS, Twisted Sister, the E Street Band, and Aerosmith. He is now a member and lead vocalist of the rock/dance/party band, The Vibratones.
Dickie Weed "Have A Drink On Me"
www.myspace.com/dickieweed
Press Photo
Dickie Weed is regular contributor to the Red Peters Comedy Music Hour. He’s a prolific Nashville based songwriter who writes professionally under his real name and has written songs for Glen Campbell, Willie Nelson, Bonnie Raitt, Waylon Jennings, Ray Charles, The Allman Brothers, Brooks & Dunne, and Cher. He loves to have a few drinks, smoke some herb, and then write fucked up songs. And he does it for himself, his friends, and for shits and giggles. His finely crafted songs have excellent lyrics and great melodies, and are recorded and produced to the highest standards.
The Official Summer Song Sizzler Commercial
HAVE AN UNCENSORED SUMMER
WITH RADIO HOST RED PETERS
RED’S NEW SUMMER SONG SIZZLER COMPILATION
AVAILABLE NOW
LOS ANGELES, CA (May 1, 2010) - Radio host and singer/songwriter Red Peters will be ushering in the summer with both a new Red Peters Comedy Music Hour radio show as heard on the Sirius XM channel Howard 101, and a brand new 16 track Red Peters Presents: The Summer Song Sizzler music compilation, set for a May 25th street date from Oglio Records, a Fontana/Universal distributed label. Red Peters, an artist in his own right best known for his classic song “How’s Your Whole... Family”, hosts the only radio show, thanks to Howard Stern and the freedom allowed on satellite radio, dedicated to playing some of the funniest, uncensored, and outrageously explicit expressions of first amendment rights recorded.
“Years ago, I was at the crossroads of making a decision between a career in comedy or music. I was doing both and I had to really think about which turned me on the most. I chose music. And although I loved comedy, I realized that good music made me feel better inside than anything else. I went on to write some pretty funny songs and have never regretted my decision. Since then, I have worked with many great songwriters and musicians, and it never ceases to amaze me how funny, original and creative people can be. So when Howard Stern gave me the opportunity to produce my own radio show for his satellite radio channel, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: Seek out and showcase the unsung writers and producers of funny and original f***** up music. Songs with bad manners, filthy lyrics, blasphemous rants, and subject matter unacceptable in proper society. All the fun stuff that can be heard on my radio show and on my compilations.” - Red Peters
The Red Peters Comedy Music Hour, Summer Song Sizzler show will broadcast Memorial Day, May 31 on the Sirius XM channel, Howard 101 at 7pm EST. Check myspace.com/redpeters or facebook.com/redpeters for the radio show replay schedule and the Oglio Records page, oglio.com, for more on the Red Peters Presents: The Summer Song Sizzler music compilation.
1) Dickie Weed - Aw Fuck You (3:45)
2) Sons Of Butcher - Fuck The Shit (:50)
3) Cock Lorge - I Want You (2:54)
4) The Wet Spots - Do You Take It in The Ass? (2:51)
5) Lil’ Mikey Roohan - Jerkin’ Off Tonight (2:58)
6) Biker Joe Warren - Fuck You (3:25)
7) Tastiskank -The Sex Song (3:19)
8) Larry Pierce - All I Did Was Just Fuck Her (2:47)
9) Beaver Boys - A Blow Job Is Better Than No Job (2:22)
10) Uncle Carl - I’m Too Tired (To Masturbate) (3:00)
11) William H. Nutsack - Destination Dirtpipe (1:27)
12) Red Peters - When I Jerk Off, I Think Of You (3:22)
13) Cameron Bameron - Fuck You (3:22)
14) Bob Garrett’s Banned - Homo In The Bunkhouse (1:40)
15) Pig Vomit - Vagina (2:38)
16) Dickie Weed - Have Another Drink On Me (3:22)