RED PETERS

I LAUGHED... I CRIED... I FUDGED MY UNDIES!

Track Listing

1. Baby Blue Intro (with Alan Pinchloaf)

2. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

3. How's Your Whole... Family?

4. The Two Gay Irishmen

5. Rocket In My Pants

6. Intro By Alan Pinchloaf

7. Holy Shit, It's Christmas

8. Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains

9. The Dark Years: Stains Incident / Tourette Benefit / I'm A Pig / Did You Ever Fudge Your Undies In The Rain? / Fudge Rap / Oggie, The Doggie Bag Slicer / Italian Polka

10. Little Peter

11. You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)

12. Baby Blue

(Instrumental)

13. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

(Instrumental)

14. You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)

(Karaoke Mix)

15. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

(Karaoke Mix)

16. Diana

17. The 10 Second National Anthem

Red Peters
with The Heywood Jablomi Singers
"Baby Blue"
(Grenga/Stevens/Lawry)

Baby Blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby blew.....
...me.

Red Peters
with The Babe Marino Orchestra
(featuring The Alan Pinchloaf Singers)
"Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)"
(Stevens/Grenga)

(whispered)
"This is very special...
Hi Dick... Bob.
... pretty good thanks."

(sung)
Blow me
You hardly even know me
just set yourself below me
and blow me... tonite.

a handy
would certainly be dandy
but it's not enough to slow me
you gotta blow me... allright.

when you part your lips that way
ooo... I want you night and day
when you squeeze my balls so tight
I wanna blow my load with all my might!!

so blow me
you hardly even know me
just set yourself below
you gotta blow me tonite

"Come on everybody!!!" (whole audience joins in)

Blow me
You hardly even know me
so blow me
you gotta blow me
so blow me
Blow me tonite!

Red Peters
with Tex Marino and The Poisonaires
"How's Your Whole... Family?"
(Stevens/Grenga/Lawry)

How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?

How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?

How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-tation machine?)
How's your dic-tation machine?

Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today.

Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (come on-a wanna baby won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-trological chart?)
Won't you do my as-trological chart?

Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me.

How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (Tell me how's that great big whole)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?
(spoken) "Prick!"

Red Peters
with the Smokin' Cockneys
"The Two Gay Irishmen"
(Stevens/Grenga/Johnson/Lawry)

The whole clan met at Galway Bay
where seamen push up stools
they were giggling like the Coleens
and playing pocket pool
they washed their balls in stout that night
and bid their last good-byes
"We're off to kiss the Blarney Stone,
so zipper up your flys!"

Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on you're way to Blarney
with Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!

"Well grab your bags!" cried Pat Magroin
it's time to pick your seat.
While Paddy O'Furniture grabbed the wheel
Dick Burns turned up the heat
they fiddled and diddled all full of malarky
their trousers felt a lump
so the Bulgers grabbed their Johnsons
and gave them all a pump

Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on you're way to Blarney
with Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!

Well Peter Hickey, Rick O'Shea
Neal Downe and Phillip McCann
Dick Long pulled out his shillelagh
and with it lead the band
Phil McCracken started snackin'
on leprechaun-on-the cob
the bus began to rumble
and heads began to bob.

And so they kissed the Blarney Stone
and grabbed the gift of gab
Connie Lingus snapped their portrait
in front of that mossy slab
all they had on were the smiles on their faces
a grinnin' from ear to ear
from left to right
I'll call out their names
I'll tell you who was there...

Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on the way to Blarney
with...

Pat Magroin
Paddy O'Furniture
Dick Long
the Bulgers, the Johnsons
Peter Hickey
Rick O'Shea
Neal Downe
Phillip McCann
Dick Burns
Phil McCracken
Michael Fitzpeter
Peter Fitzmichael
Maurice Fitzhenry
Henry Fitzmaurice
and...
Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!
the two gay Irishmen!
the two gay Irishmen!

Red Peters
with the Joy Kingoff Singers
"Rocket In My Pants"
(Grenga/Stevens)

I took the shuttle to your pad last nite
my Venus rising as you held it so tight
you had me in a trance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

Alpha Centuri wasn't far from the scene
Aurora Borealis, I don't know what that means
cuz when you said let's dance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

Two hearts traveling on vacation
one fine Sunday afternoon
my pod enters your space station
my capsule was upright
so I parked it overnite

And so two space ships that pass in the sky
have docked successfully the very first try
an astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

My pod enters your space station
My Sputnik fit so tight
I launched a satellite

And so two space ships that pass in the sky
have docked successfully the very first try
an astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

An astronomical romance (where the fuck is France?)
An astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

Red Peters
with The New Christy Hamsters
"Holy Shit, It's Christmas!"
(Grenga/Stevens/Johnson/Lawry)

SFX - Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.
(off in the distance) "Ho, ho, ho....."
Hamster #1 - "Did you hear that?"
Hamster #2 - "Hey everybody, Santa's here!"
Hamster #3 - "Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus."
Hamster #2 - "There is, too!"
SFX - knock on door
Hamsters - "He's here!!!"
SFX - door bursts open
Red - "Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!"
Hamster #1 - "Aw, shit, it's Red Peters..."
Hamsters - "Awww..." (grumbling in unison)
Red - "Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here. We're gonna sing us a happy Christmas song."
Hamster #1 - "Oh no, not another corny, stupid song."
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, no way Red."
Hamsters - "Yeah, yeah..."
Red - "Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!"
Hamsters - "OK!, OK!...jeesh!"

SUNG
Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me
forget about out all that teasin'
we're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree
cuz it's that jolly season
I know you been naughty, but have you been nice
that's only Santa's business
he's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

HAMSTERS
Santa comes just once a year
just like you Red, that's what we hear
he's got a soft spot for reindeer
especially Rudolph's derriere
knock it off fellas it's a holiday
go on give santa a big kiss
you can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

Red - "Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyric sheet?"
Hamster #1 - "Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.
We know our parts by heart. Right fellas?" (giggles)
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, sure, I know my part, Godfried." (giggles)
Hamster #3 - "Yah, me too!" (giggles)
Red- "Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs."

SUNG
(Godfried) - Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse
after drinking all the eggnog
(Bruce) - camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two
squashing off a yule log
(Raliegh) - he wandered in his undies all over the house
but we minded our own business
(Hamsters) - til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube
(All) - Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
(Red) Santa comes just once a year
up the chimney he'll disappear
(hamsters) keep on the look out for Mr. Gear
hamster deliveries in the rear
Red - (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking...) "Gimme those lyrics!!!"

Roastnuts chestin' on an open fire
Santas tongue stuck to the doorknob
His balls got fondled by a carolin' choir
While the parson gave him a hand... what?
The sleigh came down and took him away
That whole damn crowd was dismissed
It was time to be jolly, a time to be gay

Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

Red Peters
with Smelly Water
featuring The Dickner Brothers (Iben, Uben & Heben)
"Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains"
(Stevens/Johnson/Lawry/Grenga)

(spoken word)
I was sittin' out on the porch the other night
reminiscing about the good ole days
and how my grandson Bobby and I would finish up chores
and mosey on into town.
Heck, we were poor back then
but we loved window shopping.
And I recall how excited Bobby'd get
'specially when we stopped by the pet shop.
you see, there was this one little puppy
that he really took a hankerin' to
and he'd look up at me and say
"Grandpa... if that was my dog, I'd name him Stains,
cuz of that splash of white on his coat."
Well, right then and there, I made a up my mind,
that I'd get that little critter for Bobby
so that following mornin', I cashed in a savings bond and brought the little mutt home.
Darnit, I couldn't tell you who was happiest that day,
me, Bobby or that there dog.
Them two were inseparable ....
why, you'da need a crowbar to separate those two.
And to this day, I can still hear the boy hollerin' after that dog...
still hear him calling... calling out his name...

(sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can Hear him calling...Come Stains!

(spoken word)
you know, we don't like talkin' about it much
but it was that following winter
that little Bobby took ill.
and they don't allow dogs at the hospital
so back home you'd find Stains on Bobby's bed.
I'll never forget the day Doc called
and gave us the bad news about Bobby
out of the corner of my eye
I saw Stains lift his sad little dogface from Bobby's pillow.
Somehow he knew that Bobby was gone
and I swear to the good lord
that Stains was hearing Bobby calling out to him one more time from heaven
he just sorta smiled, crossed his paws like he was prayin'
put his head on the pillow..........and passed away.

(sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!

(boy and dog united in Heaven) "Come Stains! Come Stains!...Stains!...Woof, woof..."

Red Peters
with the Dusty Underbed Orchestra
"Little Peter"
(Grenga/Stevens)

When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
And there's no one
Lying next to me
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
Little Peter keeps me company

When I'm in the can
When I take a shit
I can see him smiling up at me
so I pull him once
then I pull him twice
now I find it's impossible to pee

If you go
I'll be a one man show
But if you stay
I'll put my friend away

When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
And there's no one
Lying next to me
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
Little Peter keeps me company
Little Peter keeps me company.

Red Peters
with The Babe Marino Orchestra
"You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)"
(Grenga/Stevens)

You promised the moon
but I preferred Uranus
the stars must be right
cuz Uranus looks good tonight.

The moon was in June
how it inflamed us
a beautiful sight
and Uranus looks good tonite.

I'm not queer
I'm just experimenting an idea *
the feeling's unrelenting
when you're near
that feeling starts extending
towards your rear.

Ain't it clear
I just wanna bone ya'
have no fear
I'm not full of balogna

You and I could fly to Uranus tonite!

I'm not queer
I'm just experimenting an idea *
the feeling's unrelenting

when you're near
that feeling starts extending
towards your rear
Ain't it clear
I just wanna bone ya'
have no fear
I'm not full of balogna

You and I could fly so high
in the sky, in the night
well allright, yah, you bite
You and I could fly to Uranus!

* overheard conversation at restaurant