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Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling – JokeMaster Jr

KIDS ONLY JOKES - SQUEAKY CLEAN - 100% FAMILY FRIENDLY

Surprising for most fans of former Stern alumni Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling is the fact he has a quietly successful line of kids electronic toys moving over 150,000 units through non-traditional outlets like Brookstone, Bed, Bath & Beyond and more. Finally available on CD, these are the audio only versions of the electronic toys at a great kids price. With Jackie’s voice sped up to give it a fun munchkin effect, these are 100% kid friendly squeaky clean world’s best kids jokes with the Jokemaster Jr Vol. 1 filled with 99 tracks of knock knock jokes and the Grossmaster Jr with 99 tracks of booger jokes and the likes as only kids can love and listen to over and over again.

Buy Now!
With Jackie’s voice sped up to give it a fun munchkin effect, these are 100% kid friendly squeaky clean world’s best kids jokes with the Jokemaster Jr Vol. 1 filled with 99 tracks of knock knock jokes and the Grossmaster Jr with 99 tracks of booger jokes and the likes as only kids can love and listen to over and over again.

Red Peters – Ol Blue Balls Is Back

Buy Now!

OL' BLUE BALLS IS BACK

Track Listing

1. Alan Pinchloaf Welcome (w/Pinchloaf's Theme)

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Alan Pinchloaf Welcome (With Pinchloaf's Theme)

2. The Spelling Songp

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - The Spelling Song

3. I Don't Just Love You Down There

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - I Don't Just Love You Down There

p4. Pullin' It All Night Long

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pullin' It All Night Long

5. Pinchloaf segue #1

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pinchloaf Segue #1

6. The First Time I Met You

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - The First Time I Met You

7. I Wanna Polka Polka

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - I Wanna Polka Polka

8. Doggy Style

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Doggy Style

9. Babe's Auto Villa

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Babe's Auto Villa

10. Pinchloaf segue #2

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pinchloaf Segue #2

11. You Ain't Getting' Shit For Christmas

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - You Ain't Gettin' Shit for Christmas

12. Up Your Ass

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Up Your Ass

13. Long And Hard

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Long and Hard

14. Natural Causes Chicken

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Natural Causes Chicken

15. The Closing Song

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - The Closing Song

16. Pinchloaf segue #3

p>Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pinchloaf Segue #3

17. Use Your Hand

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Use Your Hand

18. Take It Out At The Ballgame

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Take It Out At the Ballgame

19. Peenitch

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Peenitch

20. Gourmet Firewood

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Gourmet Firewood

OL BLUE BALLS IS BACK

LYRICS

Red Peters
with Babe Marino Orchestra and the Phillip Oliver Hole Singers
"The Spelling Song"
(Stevens, Grenga, Johnson)

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E

These are the words that I wanted to shout
but I guess it's just best
if I spell them out

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
I-C-A-N-T-S-T-A-N-D-Y-O-U, no more
G-E-T-T-H-E-F-U-C-K-O-U-T, the door

These are the words that I want to say
I think I shall use
an alternative way

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E

(girls only)
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-T-O-O-E-A-T-M-E
Red- "Hey, wait a minute"
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-T-O-O-E-A-T-M-E
Red- "Nice talk."

I quite understand what I think that you mean
so I'll try to reply
without being obscene
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E

Red Peters
with The Harry Kuntz Orchestra
" I Don't Just Love You Down There"
(McMahon, Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

I don't just love you down there
I really care about you as a person
I don't just dream of your thighs
for in my eyes
you fill up my skies
with your prize
but I really love you as a person

I keep on dreaming
and scheming
and reaming
you're gleaming
and screaming
tonite

I don't just love you down there
yet I'm aware
what you've got down there
that's where I stare
but I really love you as a person
I really, really do....

Red Peters
with Hot Spunky Load
"Pulling It All Night Long"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long Aha- oh yeah
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long Aha- oh yeah

I'm standing here
solution in hand
half in the bag
all buffed and tanned
It's been so long
and it's getting long again
so come on over
and meet your new friend

Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.

Keep pulling all night long
that tingling feeling
has got me on my feet
hands in my pockets
pulling to the beat
now there's a spot on you
and a smile on my face
let's skip the small talk
and cut to the chase

Girls- "Hey Mona, what's up? (laffing) Oh my God look what's coming our way. Nice do!"
Red- "Hi ladies... My name's Testicles, Lord of the Pants."
Girls- "what he say?, I think he said he's got a load in his pants."
Red- "Mind if I lay a few scenarios on you?"
Red- "If I jumped on your back, would you beat me off?
Girls- "Ehwww..."
Red- "If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?"
Red- "If I owned a meat market and you were inside, and all of a sudden it caught on fire, would you take my meat and beat it?"
Girls- "What an asshole!!!"
bkgds: "Someone's gonna be pullin it, that someone's gonna be you..."
Girls- "Oh no, here he comes again."
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Red- "May I have your e-mail address? "
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Girl- "Yah... kiss my ass.com"
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Red- "Why don't you fax me sometime?"
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Girl- "I wouldn't fax you if you were the last guy on earth."
Red- "Thanks for the input."
Singers- Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long
etc.

Red Peters
with The Windbreakers and the Delicious Dips
"The First Time That I Met You"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

I wandered through this crazy town, my head up in a cloud
Looking for a place to do my biz
I zipped my fly and saw that I'd attracted quite a crowd
but your face it was the one I couldn't miss

The first time that I saw you baby
I thought I stepped in shit
At least that's what it felt like baby
the more I think of it.
Now I stand here unafraid
I wanna get laid (he wants to get laid)
I wanna get laid

we talked all nite and got to know each other inside out
you taught me what it means to be a girl
and should I find it hard again I won't sit here and pout
we'll take a little trip around the world

(girls only)
The first time that you met me baby
you thought that I was such a pig

(Red)
but that's what I love about you baby
You really do the things I dig
and I'm so glad that you stayed
now I wanna get laid

I wanna get laid in the sunshine
I wanna get laid in the moonlight baby
I'd rather get blown but I'll settle for a handy
as long as it's your hand and not my own

The first time that we held each other
I thought I'd lose my place
you guided me inside your mind, love
and then onto your face
The greatest love the world has ever known
I wanna get blown (he wants to get blown)
I wanna get blown
and then I wanna get laid

Red Peters
with the Ivan Offelcockich Orchestra
"I Wanna Polka Polka"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

See that girl with the pretty red dress on,
I wanna polka.
I love the way she spins and twirls,
I wanna polka.

Oh how I wish that she'd look my way now,
Then I could polka.
I'd love to feel those pretty little curls,
How I wanna polka.

We took a little trip down to Love Canal (NY),
So I could polka.
but we stopped in French Lick, Indiana
No time to polka!

Intercourse Pennsylvania was my destination
wanted to polka.
But she left me down in Blue Ball PA,
Never got to polka.

well I went up to Maine to Bangor
then I went down to Florida to Tampa
but when all is said and done
I'd rather polka.

We spent sometime in Flushing NY,
I had to polka.
She said not until we get to Hygiene CO,
then maybe I could polka.

I said first let's stop at Moorehead Jersey,
before I polka.
Things got salty in Saline Michigan,
Never got to polka.

She said let's go to Bonesteel, (SD)
now there's a place I'll polka.
but it went Askew in Mississppi,
Didn't know if I could polka.

Climax MI was our destination,
She wanted me to polka.
but I had to make a stop in Crappo MD,
I lost the urge to polka.

well I went up to Maine to Bangor
then I went down to Florida to Tampa
but when all is said and done
I'd rather polka.

French Lick, Love Canal
Blue Ball, Moorehead
I Wanna Polka

Bonesteel, Intercourse
Climax, Crappo
I Wanna Polka

Tampa, Flushing
Hygiene, Saline
I Wanna Polka

Gaysport (OH), Gayhead (MA)
Gayville (SD), Mudlick (KY)
I Wanna polka

Red Peters
with Meat Raffle and Cousins & Lovers
"Doggy Style"
(Grenga, Phillips)

Shitfaced on Sunday, work on Monday,
Tuesday's kind of a drag
Wednesday's a hummer, Thursday's a bummer,
Fridays I'm half in the bag
Saturday evenin', I'm still reelin'
from a ten pack Smirnoff nips
Now I can barely see your face
so put away those chains and whips

cause I say
Let's do it doggy style
Let's do it doggy style
Let's do it doggy style so we can both watch TV

January, February, April May June and July
August September, October November,
whatever happened to March
New Year's evenin', I'm still reelin'
from a twelve pack o' Miller beer
Quit blockin the television babe
and get your sweet ass over here

Now Hee Haw is my favorite program.
And Flipper and the Simpsons ain't bad
Now I don't like the Nanny but I like watchin her fanny
and Gloria's gotten so fat that it makes me sad yeah
and that Ginger is one hot tomatah,
but I think I prefer Mary Ann
Now if you don't wanna do it the hell with it screw it
just don' let me take matters into my own hands yeah

Red Peters
with Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers
"You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.

I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package. Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an overnite package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read...

"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year. Love, Princess."

Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinking again. (sfx-doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.

"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this address."

Hey Ma, save some for me.
Well, Ma took a coniption things turned ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she was yelling...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

Red Peters
with Shootin' Pool With A Rope
Long And Hard
(Orrall)

I was never good enough for you
Except for all those sleepless nights
When you loved me black and blue

You said I was good for nothing
But there's one thing I could do
Now your memory's trying to tell you

If you think about me long hard
You'll remember why you love me
Think about the length
Of time you spent just above me.

In the bedroom, in the car,
in the nieghbor's yard
You'll remember why you love
If you think about me long and hard.

The way you look is practically a crime
A man would have to be insane
to leave that behind
You'll never find a smiling fool
with one as big as mine,
I wonder now how do you fill your time.

If you think about me long hard
You'll remember why you love me
Think about the length
Of time you spent just above me.

In the kitchen, in your truck
I know I measured up
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.

In the front yard 'n the rear
After half a dozen beers
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.

In the outhouse, in the woods
Hell anywhere we could.
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.

Red Peters
and Dumpster Punch
"The Closing Song"
(Vercillo, Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

It's that time again
we gotta say good night
you know it's getting late
tomorrow is another day my friend

you don't have to go home
but you can't stay here
now you're making me mad
you gonna make me swear

get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
you might as well call it a night my friend
you gonna have ta
get the fuck out

all right... aha... mmm

maybe I'm outta line
but I'll take the blame
there are no better choice of words
that I can use to explain

get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my friend
you gonna have to
get the fuck out
get the fuck out

Hey Buddy, I'm talking to you
thanks for comin', now pay your tab and screw
make like a drum and beat it
make like a tree and leave
all you fellas and cinderellas
I'm giving you the heave

ooo, get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
call it a night old friend
get the fuck out
get the fuck out

so long
arrivederci
sayanara
ciao
good night
Bye bye
so long
farewell
see you later
alligator
in a while
crocodile
say goodnight
get the fuck out
get the fuck outta here
come on
give me a fuckin' break
(customer) "Can I get a refill, please?"
hey, you, fuckface
get outta here
what are you, fuckin' deaf?
yah, you...

Red Peters
with Marshmellow Piggy Bank
and The Moron Tabernipple Choir orchestra conducted by Yo Ma Ma
"Use Your Hand Anthem"
(Stevens, Lawry, Johnson, Grenga)

Yesterday when we spoke
you said you'd do anything
anything I asked you to do
yesterday when we spoke
you promised me love and affection
and honey I'm long overdue

but when I see you
I know that things aren't looking right
there is something about you
that says "no, not tonite."

when I'm all backed up
how can you leave me this way
you gotta do me a favor
and this is all I'll say...
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand (have mercy now)
Use Your Hand On Me
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand On Me

now we're sitting side by side
kissing in the car
but everytime I reach for anything
I don't get very far
I can see you're hot and heavy
you're soaking up my seat
can't you see my balls are blue
my face red as a beet

when I'm all backed up
how can you leave me this way
you gotta do me a favor
and this is all I'll say...
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand (have mercy now)
Use Your Hand On Me
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand

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Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling – Hot Dogs & Donuts

HOT DOGS + DONUTS

Buy Now!

 

Carl Oglio is a huge Howard Stern Show fan, and in 1996 he asked me to record a CD for his Oglio Records. I'm still smiling about turning him down. I mean, saying yes, I'd love to.

Since the girls wouldn't say "Sgt. Pecker," I told the crowds at the tapings for the next CD that I decided to make it a bit more cryptic and call the next one "Hot Dogs & Donuts," figuring if somebody made something sexual of it that it was as much them as it was me.

Nancy Sirianni, my production partner & wife, came up with the photo ideas and spelling out the name with hot dogs & donuts.

I recorded "Hot Dogs & Donuts" at "The Comedy Palace" in Andover, Massachusetts. Yes, it was in Andover. No, it wasn't a palace. I had second billing, under "Prime Rib" on the rolling sign that graced the front of the restaurant, where you could read it from I-93 North of Boston.

Ron Sava's club had three different-sized rooms that were always booked, and the place always had the kind of buzz that I could only always count on in a few places. One of the others was "Rascals" in West Orange, where they taped the "Stump The Joke Man" footage that's on the DVD we included with snart.

I had edited almost the entire "Hot Dogs & Donuts" CD when I performed at "The Comedy Palace" again. From listening for hours and hours as I edited, the jokes were even more deeply & perfectly engrained in my little head, so I blasted away at those crowds like never before. The tapes from that weekend pushed the older tapes off the shelf and I started editing again. But that editing was minimal. The finished product is pretty funny.

This CD is a healthy leap dirtier than the first two CD's. Not by design, it just is.
I guarantee that more than a few of the blogs I'm doing with Red Peters will be devoted to Tales From The Palace.

- Jackie Martling

HOT DOGS + DONUTS

Tracks:

  • Poops & Probes
  • Jammers & Geniuses
  • Smooches & Stammers
  • Munchers & Mares
  • Nips & Necklaces
  • Odors & Officers
  • Eaters & Errors
  • Contemplators & Calculators
  • Astainers & Architects
  • Condiments & Compliments
  • Barf & Breadwinners
  • Humpers & Holders
  • Clammers & Chubbies
  • Turds & Trims
  • Chasers & Cruisers
  • Pullers & Puppets
  • Gamblers & Grunters
  • Pooches & Perverts
  • Semen & Showmen
  • Gigolos & Gourmets
  • Pharmacists & Fishes
  • Polin' The Colon
  • Squirters & Soilers
  • Siblings & Surprises
  • Leches & Lures
  • Tears & Trades

Buy Now!

Jackie Martling – snart

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Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling New Comedy Album
Entitled ‘snart’ For Oglio Records On 4/20

Los Angeles – Radio personality, stand-up comedian, comedy writer, singer-songwriter, author and actor Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling follows up on his classic album F. Jackie with his new comedy album entitled snart, his sixth album of stand-up comedy for his long time label Oglio Records, distributed by Fontana/Universal in the U.S. and INGrooves internationally. The CD version of snart comes with a bonus DVD containing over two hours of visuals.

“I’m sure that you think I think snart’s a great name for a dirty joke CD because it’s concise, and reminiscent of snot, and fart, etc. Maybe that’s all true. Maybe that, and even more is true. Maybe. But snart’s an abbreviation. I’ve always maintained that telling dirty jokes on stage is an art, …’s an art, …’s n’ art, …snart. I love jokes, and I’ve remembered every one I’ve come across since 1954. This is the sixth comedy CD I’ve filled with 78 minutes of the very best of those jokes, all performed “live” in front of other people who love jokes, too. I hope you enjoy listening, and that you’ll also pass along these jokes night after night, much the way I do.”
- Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

Jackie Martling is best known for having been a long-time cast member and head writer of the legendary Howard Stern Show from 1986-2001. He can currently be heard on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, hosting “Jackie’s Joke Hunt” on Howard 101 Tuesdays at 7 pm EST. First hitting the comedy stage in 1979, Jackie’s been a national headliner since the early 80?s and has also appeared in many independent films and television shows including as himself in The Howard Stern Show Paramount film, Private Parts.

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martlin boasts a catalog of over thirty joke products, CD’s, DVD’s, books, electronic joke gadgets for adults and children, and joke by-products by his own Jokeland, Inc. Also to Jackie’s credit, “Use Your Finger! (516) 922-WINE”, the world’s longest running dirty joke line, just celebrated it’s 30th fun-filled year.

“Jackie Martling is cut from the same cloth as the greatest comedians of all time. His style, experience, and amazing ability to make people laugh put him into this elite group. Jackie has never sounded better or more comfortable on stage and ‘snart’ reflects this. I’m proud of this this release and I am proud to be working with Jackie on our 8th project together.”

- Carl Caprioglio

snart is Jackie’s sixth comedy record and eighth record overall for Oglio Records. His previous catalog includes F. Jackie, Hot Dogs + Donuts, Sgt. Pecker, The Joke Man and Come Again?. Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling has also released two audio companions to his long running children’s electronic joke gadgets entitled Jokemaster Jr. and Grossmaster Jr..

snart Track Listing 01 Testaments & Tinsel 02 Wagers & Weavers 03 Surprisers & Snoozers 04 Dodgers & Decoys 05 Assblasters & The Ambidextrous 06 Stoners & Smackers 07 Playboys & Plotters 08 Dozers & Drippers 09 Turd Rustlers & Teetotalers 10 Pretenders & Patrons 11 Surprisers & Shorties 12 Sirens & Savers 13 Toasters & Twisters 14 Whiners & Wheedlers 15 Cocksmen & Counters 16 Lusters & Liars 17 Husbands & Hustlers 18 Drillers & Dooters 19 Fibbers & Fraidy cats 20 Choppers & Chowers 21 Expanders & Exes 22 Pals & Patients 23 Spouses & Spurters 24 Spillers & Spitters 25 Pluggers & Playmates 26 And I'm Thinkin' About You.

 

WEAR F. JACKIE WITH PRIDE!

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Name: Oglio Entertainment