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Craig Gass “The Worst Comedy Show Ever” – In Stores April 16, 2013

Craig Gass Worst CD Mini-s

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

COMEDIAN & ACTOR CRAIG GASS TO DEBUT WITH LIVE
COMEDY ALBUM & DVD ON APRIL 16, 2013

Features Cameo’s by Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready and Alice in Chains’ Jerry Cantrell & Sean Kinney

(Los Angeles, CA) The outrageously funny Comedian/Actor and all-around “impressionist”, CRAIG GASS, announces the release of his debut live comedy album and DVD, The Worst Comedy Show Ever, on April 16, 2013 through Oglio Records. The release will coincide with GASS’ North American tour (dates TBA).

Filmed last summer at Dave’s of Milton Lounge and Comedy Club, a burned out but beloved hole-in-the-wall located (well) outside of Seattle, Washington, where scores of stand-up comics have gone for decades to test their material on the easily amused, and endlessly-forgiving, blue collar patrons. Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready, has a hilarious cameo on the DVD, and Alice in Chains’ Jerry Cantrell and Sean Kinney, lend their fractured personalities to several news blackouts on the CD, hearkening back George Carlin’s post-‘60s hippy-dippy weatherman.

“The material on the DVD/CD was meticulously developed, night after night, in the near-empty rooms of shit-hole bars and comedy dives,” confesses GASS. “Now, it’s been turned into my dream come true! I am proud, ecstatic and terrified – but it’s a good kind of terror.”

The USO are also big fans of GASS and have asked the comedian to perform at a few select overseas bases of our Armed Forces. Craig will begin his tour in the Azores Islands of Portugal on March 11th before winding up on March 16th at the NATO Base in Madrid, Spain. He will make an appearance at the Panasonic Theatre in Toronto, Canada as he makes his way home to the U.S. Adding to his increasingly busy schedule, GASS will be making his Comedy Central debut on the upcoming season of the hit animated series, Brickleberry.

The pathway to impressions and stand-up comedy appears to be GASS’ destiny from the very beginning. Growing up in a family that was completely deaf, GASS learned to speak from watching TV. In 1993 GASS began performing stand-up comedy. His dead-on impressions caught the attention of two icons of the entertainment community, Howard Stern and George Carlin. Carlin soon took GASS under his wing, became his mentor, and acting roles materialized with regularity. In addition, GASS became a writer for Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”. GASS perfected his style with memorable characters on such TV shows as Sex and the City, King of Queens, Law & Order and Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels, and most recently has been doing voice over work on the shows Family Guy, American Dad and The Cleveland Show. As the industry continued to embrace his comedic style, GASS’ love for all things hard rock, led to his being honored with exclusive requests to open for Metallica, Alice in Chains and KISS.

As a regular guest on The Howard Stern show, GASS provides countless, riveting stories from the road, his endless encounters with Hollywood elite and life at its most basic reality. His seamless impressions of Al Pacino, Lars Ulrich, Sam Kinison, Adam Sandler, Tracy Morgan, Gene Simmons, Gilbert Gottfried, Christopher Walken, Owen Wilson and dozens more, accompanied by his machine gun-style delivery and fall-down-laughing storytelling, have already captivated audiences around the world.

Oglio Records is Oglio is celebrating its 20th anniversary as an independent label specializing in the fun and unusual. Oglio has released and reissued recordings from a diverse group of talent including comedians George Lopez, Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling (of Howard Stern Show fame) and Rob Schneider, as well as musical talent including Brian Wilson, Cyndi Lauper, Parry Gripp, Nerf Herder, BigBang, Roger Joseph Manning Jr., and Beatallica. Oglio Records is distributed worldwide by INgrooves/Fontana.

You can check out a teaser clip here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqydCh22DQg

For more information on Craig Gass, please contact:
MAD Ink PR
www.madinkpr.com
Melissa Dragich-Cordero Michelle Gutenstein
p. 310.547.1212 p. 862-368-6576
e. melissadragich@gmail.com e. michelle.gutenstein@me.com

Pat Cooper – Comedy Ringtones

Pat Cooper releases his first batch of ringtones with all of his classic phrases that you know and love from the Howard Stern Show. Pat is at his best with these classics for your iPhone, Android and most other mobile phone models:

King Of All Media
Who The Hell Is This?
Hello Goodbye
A Very Important Call
You're A Bum
Your Pussy Is Calling
Are You Going To Just Let The Phone Ring?
Why Don't You Answer The Phone?
Is That A Phone Vibrating In Your Pocket?
Leave Me A Message
I Wish You A Peaceful Death
Shut Up, Sit Down!

 

Pat Cooper Ringtones now available on iTunes and Amazon:

Pat Cooper Ringtones - Pat Cooper

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling April Fools Press Release

Oglio Records Reissues Classic Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling Albums
No April Fools Joke, All Jackie Comedy Releases On Sale For 4.99

Los Angeles - Oglio Records has reissued three classic Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling albums from the Jokeland vaults, What Did You Expect, Goin’ Ape and Normal People Are People You Don’t Know Very Well. In celebration of April Fool’s Day, the only holiday devoted to all things funny, Oglio Records is running a month long comedy sale with the digital versions of all 11 Jackie Martling comedy albums on sale for only $4.99, including at Amazon and iTunes.

The Jackie reissues are his first three comedy albums, originally released on vinyl. What Did You Expect (his official comedy debut and originally released in 1979), Goin’ Ape (originally released in 1980) and Normal People Are People You Don’t Know Very Well (originally released in 1981). These were the albums that Jackie later sent to Howard Stern and by 1986, Jackie was a full time member of The Howard Stern Show.

Jackie signed with Oglio Records in 1996 and by 2011, their partnership accounts for 11 official Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling comedy albums, a comedy podcast series with fellow Oglio Records recording artist Red Peters and Jackie ring tones. The famous Jackie laugh is now available as various ring tones at Verizon, AT&T and all mobile carriers.

I love jokes, and I've remembered every one I've come across since 1954. - Jackie Martling

snart is Jackie’s latest comedy record featuring new material for Oglio Records and is available as a CD/DVD combo. In addition to the three new reissues, What Did You Expect, Goin Ape and Normal People, his catalog includes snart, F. Jackie, Hot Dogs and Donuts, Sgt. Pecker, The Joke Man, Come Again? as well as his two squeaky clean kids titles, Jokemaster Jr. and Grossmaster Jr..

Jackie Martling can currently be heard on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, hosting "Jackie's Joke Hunt" on Howard 101 Tuesdays at 7 pm EST. First hitting the comedy stage in 1979, Jackie's been a national headliner since the early 80's and continues to tour regularly. Check jokeland.com for all tour dates.

Jackie Ring Tones > VERIZON

Jackie Ring Tones > AT&T

OFFICIAL SITES

Artist: jokeland.com

MySpace: myspace.com/jackiemartling

Facebook: facebook.com/jackiemartling

Tour Dates: jokeland.com/shows

OFFICIAL JACKIE'S JOKE HUNT SITES

Artist: jackiesjokehunt.com

MySpace: myspace.com/jokehunt

Jackie's Joke Hunt with Ian Kar

Sirius XM Howard 101

Tuesdays at 7 to 8 PM EST

Call in: 888 Stern 101 or 888 783 7610

iPhone App: The Jackie Button

DISCOGRAPHY

Go here for more > SNART

Go here for more > F. JACKIE

Go here for more > HOT DOGS + DONUTS

Go here for more > SGT. PECKER

Go here fore more > COME AGAIN?

Go here for more > THE JOKE MAN

Go here for more > KIDS ONLY JOKES

Go here for more > KIDS ONLY JOKES

 

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling Comedy Albums

A longtime fixture of radio's Howard Stern Show, comedian Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling was born and raised on Long Island, NY. He earned a degree in mechanical engineering from Michigan State University in 1971.

While touring as a national headliner, Martling released three comedy LP's, 1979's "What Did You Expect?," 1980's "Goin' Ape!," and 1981's "Normal People Are People You Don't Know That Well" (all digitally reissued from Oglio Records). He blindly sent the three LP's to Howard Stern upon Howard's arrival at WNBC-AM in New York City in 1982, and Howard called him to make a guest appearance on his radio show. in 1986, Jackie became a full-time cast member and the head writer of Stern's show.

Jackie left the show in 2001 after fifteen-year run as head writer of the radio show, four television series, and three Pay-Per-Views. He's released five dirty joke CD's, three videos, five joke books, two kids only titles, an iPhone app, JokeMaster audio gadgets and has appeared in the comedy documentary, "The Aristocrats," as well as over a dozen other independent films. He has owned and operated a dirty joke line for the last 27 years, (516) 922-WINE, and he wrote the joke page for Penthouse magazine for 17 years.

He still works all around the country, performing his solo act of rapid-fire filthy jokes and the classic finale, "Stump The Joke Man," and is currently doing his own radio show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio Howard 101, "Jackie's Joke Hunt".

His new release 'snart', available as a compact disc/DVD combo, is available now.


Come Again?

In 1989-90, I hosted "The Rascals Comedy Hour." I culled the very best of my opening monologues to create another Oglio CD. The "Stump The Joke Man" footage was taped direcly following the TV tapings.

The crowds were always great, all fired up to be on television. I needed a new ten minutes every week for a year, so I went through plenty joke. Each monologue started somewhat clean and slowly or quickly got a bit or a ton fouler. It was great fun every time, and you can hear & feel it when you listen.

You can hear lots of bands from my five Oglio CD's on "Raw Dog 104" on Jackie's Joke Hunt, my show on "Howard 101," both found on Sirius-XM satellite radio.

This isn't a "Best Of Jackie" CD. It's a CD of jokes not found on any of my other CD's, the "Best Of" a year of television monologues. There are no repeated jokes on any of my six CD's (with a few very minor exceptions that slipped though the green fog).

- Jackie Martling

"Come Again?," is a collection of the very best of The Joke Man's six Original Red Hot, Wild, and Mild Talking Joke Book Cassettes. It includes Jackies song, FOOLS GOLD as it was re-recorded for the soundtrack of the Palisades Pictures film "Rules For Men" (in which you can also see JM as low-life lawyer, Larry Lawton.)

Come Again? The Very Best of the Original Talking Joke Book Cassettes

Tracks:

  • Lids & Lads
  • Ghosts & Gunk
  • Guzzlers & Gringos
  • Dopes & Danglers
  • Bags & Beasts
  • Jilters & Jerkers
  • Squawkers & Salamis
  • Superiors & Stuffers
  • Potions & Preachers
  • Sewers & Swiggers
  • Pissers & Parkers
  • Sippers & Soakers
  • Mobsters & Monarchs
  • Fools & The Faithful
  • Callers & Coaxers
  • Bunnies & Blockers
  • Smilers & Swatters
  • Wankers & Wipers
  • Cheaters & Chompers
  • Shoppers & Sisters
  • Fools Gold

Roger Alan Wade – All Likkered Up

Buy Now!

Roger Alan Wade is a country western singer/songwriter with over 20 years in the business. He has written for the likes of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings and George Jones. Hell, he even has a couple of gold records and a #1 song with Hank Williams Jr.’s “Country State of Mind,” to show for it. His “If You’re Gonna Be Dumb, You Gotta Be Tough” song ended up on the Jackass soundtrack and became the unofficial theme of the movie.

Roger gained national attention when his first cousin, the actor Johnny Knoxville sent some songs he recorded in Knoxville’s living room to Howard Stern. Stern liked them so much he invited Roger to New York to perform live in the studio. The response was so great, the cousins decided to make an album and “All Likkered Up” is the debut release from the new alliance between Oglio Entertainment and Johnny Knoxville Records.

Track Listing

1)  Butt Ugly Slut
2)  Gone Back To Whoring
3)  My Baby Loves Malt Liquor
4)  Pointing
5)  Sweet Wine Of Sorrow
6)  All Likkered Up
7)  If You're Gonna Be Dumb, You Gotta Be Tough
8)  Chicken Song
9)  She's A Baby When She Cries
10) Fryin' Bacon Nekkid
11) Horse I Wanna Ride
12) Counterman
13) Johnny Cash Has Died
14) BB Gun
15) Put Another Log On The Fire
Bonus tracks:
16) Butt Ugly Slut
17) All Likkered Up (Demo)
18) Knoxville Girl

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Roger Alan Wade

"All Likkered Up"

"You just give him a couple of fifths of Crown Royal, a pack of smokes and a case of beer, put him in front of a four track, and get out of the way."
-Johnny Knoxville on recording his cousin Roger Alan Wade on Wade's debut album "All Likkered Up."-

Roger Alan Wade is a country western singer and songwriter with over 20 years in the business. He has written for the likes of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, Hank Williams Jr, and George Jones. Hell, he even has a couple of gold records to show for it. (Actually, that's all he has to show for it, because what the ex-wives didn't take, the IRS did).

He got his first taste of the national attention when his first cousin, the actor Johnny Knoxville (Jackass, Dukes of Hazard Summer 2005) sent some songs Wade recorded in Knoxville's living room to Howard Stern. Stern liked the songs so much he started playing them on the air. Howard even invited Roger to New York to perform such classic hits as Butt Ugly Slut, Poontang, and Gone Back To Whorin' live in the studio on the Howard Stern Show. Rog's music and between song banter of bullshit was a hit with Stern and his audience to say the least. That is when Oglio records first took notice.

Born in Knoxville, he was raised in what Roger describes as "the cultural center of the world," Chattanooga, Tennessee. Wade married at 18, (just like Springsteen said in THE RIVER, "I got my union card and a Wedding Coat") and began his working life as a forklift driver-to this day his favorite profession- later picking up a gig driving a milk truck.

His life-changing moment- "I went to see Waylon at Memorial Auditorium in Chattanooga and thought it was the coolest thing ever. So, the next day I went out and got a guitar. After that, my career started off slow and then tapered off."

Knoxville beams, "Rog is one of the most naturally talented people you'll ever meet. Whether it's writing a song or shooting pool, he has a knack for anything he tries. The problem is he doesn't give a shit. Nashville has come calling in the past but they wanted him to wear this or sing like that, and he said "to hell with 'em" and went back to writing his songs and singing in honky tonks. And when he'd come out to LA to visit we would all get real loaded and sit that last som' bitch in front of a four track and let him sing his crazy-ass songs. One of the songs he recorded "If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough" ended up on the Jackass soundtrack and became the unofficial theme of the movie. The other song went to Howard and there was such a great response we decided to make an album."

Now the self-proclaimed "luckiest cat to ever walk in shoe leather" has a new project. Roger says, "We were at Johnny Knoxville's house in the hills above Hollywood, the circus was in town. Me and Knox had run out of gas on the way to the liquor store earlier, but things were starting to shape up. Sam set up the gear in Knox's livin' room and we started rolling words and chords mixed with stories of sluts, angels, whiskey and heroes, outa tune'n out time. Don't look too deep for meaning. We didn't. Everyone was there and we had a hell of a time."

Knoxville says "ever since I was little our family wanted Rog to release an album. Rog wanted to as well but he would only do it on his terms. Stubborn ole ass….."

"I've been trippin' like Dick Van Dyke since I've been 20. Knox believed in me and it seems like we've got a shot now." Hell yea.

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LYRICS


1. Butt Ugly Slut (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
Eagle, buzzard, sparrow, crow take me down where the winds don't blow
I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drinkin' problem
And a jealous old man in jail
I want one so ugly she'll crack a mirror
And so fat she'll knock a needle off a scale
As long as she buys me a new Zebec
I don't care if she's built like a blue whale
I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drinkin' problem
And a jealous old man in jail
Lord she's igner'nt, but she's ugly
Yes she's lazy, but she's mean
I've been to two tent revivals and a chicken fight
And I ain't never seen nuthin'
Like when my little wildebeest tears into a dozen jelly-filled Krispy Kremes
I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drinkin' problem
And a jealous old man in jail
I want one so ugly she'll crack a mirror
And so fat she'll knock a train off a rail
Well I don't care if she cheats on me
As long she sends me checks in the mail
I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drinkin' problem
And a jealous old man in jail
I want a butt ugly slut with a bad drinkin' problem
And a jealous old man in jail
Wahoo


2. Gone Back To Whorin' (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
She's a gone back to whorin'
That's what I heard
She's somewhere snorin'
With some ol' rich bird
You know the things that I gave her
Musta got kinda borin'
Last that I heard, she done
Gone back to whorin'
She's a gone back to whorin'
This ain't the first rodeo
She makin' a fortune
Screwin' dudes she don't know
I asked her she told me
Darlin' It's my job
Suck the chrome off a trailer hitch
Suck the corn off a cob
She done gone back to whorin'
This ain't her first time
I got some lovin'
And I'm down to my last dime
She look like an angel
My life's a wreck
I go from hell straight to heaven
If she'd take a check
She's a gone back to whorin'
She's a good girl
She got fishnet hose
Too much jerry curl
I miss her when I'm lonesome
When I'm horny real bad
She ain't to cheap lord
But she's the best that I've had
She's a gone back to whorin'


3. My Baby Loves Malt Liquor (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
Dennis Knutson, Bullís Creek Music, BMI
My baby...she loves malt liquor
Loves to wash it down with a fightin cock kicker
Just layin' on that big ass clickin' that clicker lord
My baby she love malt liquor
Yeah her ex ol man was guitar picker
Then lord he likely blew his ticker
He couldn't keep his frig full of Colt 45
When the booze ran out she sent him packin'
When lookin' for a man with corporate backin'
Fat lip smackin' neath that big beehive
Yeah she got a pocket book full of cigarettes and Snickers
She got room on her rump for a big bumper sticker
I just glad it don't say honk if I'm ugly and fat
If I had a horn I'd have to blow it
She'd say kiss my ass and then she'd show it
I'd rather go blind than look at somethin' like that
My baby...she loves malt liquor
Loves to wash it down with a fightin cock kicker
Just layin' on her drunk ass clickin' that clicker lord
My baby...she loves malt liquor
Yeah it's been three weeks since she changed them knickers
All she wants to do is drink and bicker
Hell I'd just hose her down and she'd just brush her tooth
She love Bon Bons, Ding Dongs, Birthday cake
She's a wig wearin' walkin' talkin' big earthquake
She ran off gnawin' on a Baby Ruth
My baby...she loves malt liquor
Loves to wash it down with a fightin cock kicker
Just layin' on her drunk ass clickin' that clicker lord
My baby... she loves malt liquor
My baby... she loves malt liquor


4. Poontang (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout just a little poontang
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout a little poontang
She said, A little poontang that's where it's at
Id' Like a little one, too
Mine's As Big As A Hat
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout a little poontang
I took a look, said darlin' is that what ya got
She said, this ain't orange powder and water and you ain't no astronaut
This ain't no breakfast drink kinda thing
You're goin' to the moon real soon with a real poontang
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout just a little poontang
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout a little poontang
She said, A little poontang that's where it's at
Id' Like a little one, too
Mine's As Big As A Hat
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout a little poontang
So I said, "Should I ask her?"
Knoxville says "Hell ya ask her
So I says "Darlin' can I smell your poontang
She says "Why no" So I says "it must be your socks"
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout just a little poontang
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout a little poontang
She said, A little poontang that's where it's at
Id' Like a little one, too
Mine's As Big As A Hat
OOO wee you sweet thang
How 'bout a little poontang
How 'bout it


5. Sweet Wine Of Sorrow (Roger Alan Wade, Shandy Dixon, Carol Moore, Pewee Moore , Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
I's standin in the mornin' rain, outside a Norfolk southern yard
Rollin' dice like a train, the wind was blowin' hard
I'm down twenty to the devil, hell I hope he'll take a check
I kiss his ass till I get level, and I'll break his neck
I have drank from the cup of your soul like there ain't no tomorrow
I was cursed from the first with a thirst for that sweet wine of sorrow
Ah there's things a man can do to himself, where his own parents don't recognize his face
And there's things he does to everybody else that even true love can't erase
And you wind up scattered all in pieces spend your life tryin' to understand
When you figure it out you realize, the selfishness between you and the Promised Land
I have drank from the cup of your soul like there ain't no tomorrow
I been cursed from the first with a thirst for that sweet wine of sorrow
Hallelujah, I'd trade anything I can beg steal or borrow
I was curst from the first with a thirst for that sweet wine of sorrow
Now I'm shattered on the sidewalk, like them dishes that they brought
When you're swollen with my baby and your daddy bought that shot gun n we got caught
Now there ain't much that matters, to tell the truth I still don't understand
So I think I'll go down to Madame Moreass's, just pretend you ever gave a damn
Oh, I have drank from the cup of your soul like there ain't no tomorrow
I was cursed from the first with a thirst for that sweet wine of sorrow
Hallelujah, I'd trade anything I can beg steal or borrow
I was cursed from the first with a thirst for that sweet wine of sorrow
Baby...I was curst from the first with a thirst for that sweet wine of sorrow


6. All Likkered Up (Roger Alan Wade, John Richard Wade, Songs Of Chandessica, , Dan Bowen Music, Incorporated Friends Music, BMI)
She was all likkered up
She was all likkered up
She come home late last night
She was all likkered up
She had her red dress tore
Had her red dress tore
She come home late last night
with her red dress tore
She was all likkered up
She had her lipstick smeared
Had her lipstick smeared
She come home late last night lipstick smeared, and her red dress tore
She was all likkered up
High heels in her hands
High heels in her hands
Yeah she come home late last night high heels in her hands, her red dress tore, her lipstick smeared, all likkered up
Had her paycheck blown. Had her paycheck blown.
Yeah she come home late last night with her paycheck blown
Her lipstick smeared, high heels in her hands, her red dress tore, She was all likkered up
She was doin' the hootchie-cootchie
She was doin' the hootchie-cootchie.
Yeah she come home late last night, her paycheck blown, her lipstick smeared, high heels in her hands, her red dress tore, doin' the hootchie-cootchie
all likkered up
She had lovin' on her mind
She had lovin' on her mind
She come home late last night with lovin' on her mind, doin' the hootchie-cootchie,
paycheck blown, lipstick smeared, high heels in her hands, red dress tore, and a partridge in a pear tree
She was all likkered up
She was all likkered up
Come home late last night all likkered up
She was all likkered up
All likkered up
She come her big ass home at 4 in the mornin', paycheck blown, lipstick smeared, high heels in her hand, red dress torn a doin' the hootchie-cootchie, fallin' out of a yellow cab
I said, "where's your big ass been Edna since 4 in the mornin'?"
She spit popcorn on me and said "Big Lots"
Some dude rolled outta there and throwed up on my PF Flyers
Said good to meet ya dude
I said, "Dude best thing you can do is take your dog and get to the house
I said "Edna you need to get in there and brush your tooth and get on to work
You come in her drunk. She says, "I'm not drunk. I've been drinkin' that jaegersmeisters all night but I'm not drunk...brother
I'm all likkered up
She's all likkered up
Oh, baby come home late last night, she was all likkered up
She's was all likkered up.
She's all likkered up
She come home late last night she was all likkered up


7. If Your Gonna Be Dumb, You Gotta Be Tough (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, Dan Bowen Music, Incorporated Friends Music, BMI)
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough
When you get knocked down you gotta get back up,
I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer but I know enough, to know,
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough
I lit my brain with rotgut whisky
Till my pain was chicken fried
I've had dudes with badges frisk me,
Teach me how to swallow pride
I took advice no fool would take
I got some habits, I can't shake
I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer but I know enough, to know,
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough!
When you get knocked down you gotta get back up.
That's the way it is in life and love
If your gonna be dumb you gotta be tough.
I've been up and down and down and out
I've been left and right and wrong
Will walk the walk and run my mouth
Been on that short end for to long
But if they gave metals for honkie tonk wars
Hell I'd keep mine in my chest o' drawers
Well my IRS bills and divorce papers and all that stuff
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough!
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough!
When you get knocked down you gotta get back up.
I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer but I know enough, to know,
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough
If your gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough


8. Chicken Song (Roger Alan Wade, Songs Of Chandessica, Dan Bowen Music, Incorporated Friends Music, BMI)
A chicken wakes up to a new world every day
Far as a chicken's concerned everything's A-OK
A chicken don't worry 'bout nothin' but cluckin' and the price of eggs today
And don't worry much about that
'Cause what the farmer don't snatch before she can hatch
Aww the weasel's gonna steal 'em anyway
A chicken wakes up to a new world every day
You reckon a chicken ever finds herself frettin' about getting' old and ugly and fat?
I know a chicken's kind of dim, but I'm goin' out on a limb and I'd say a chicken is smarter 'an that
Hell, a chicken's just happy bein' one of them chickens that ain't one of them chickens in every pot
Ya know a chicken knows half of bein' happy is just bein' happy with whatcha got
Another half of bein' happy is just bein' happy no matter what
People, life is short, time's a tickin'
If you're gonna live like a king you gotta think like a chicken
Oh, a chicken wakes up to a new world every day
Far as a chicken's concerned everything's A-okay
A chicken don't worry 'bout nothin' but cluckin' and the price of eggs today
That's eggs AGGGGGS
And don't worry much about that
'Cause what the farmer don't snatch before she can hatch
Aww weasel's gonna steal 'em anyway
A chicken wakes up to a whole new world every day
Poor old chicken don't get no respect
There either swipin' her eggs or fryin' her legs or trying' to wring her neck
But a chicken understands her position and knows in this current condition it ain't gonna change
So she made the decision to roost every evenin' in the rusted out chassis of a beat up Chevrolet
And just wake up to a new world every day... yodalaeee....
Oh a chicken wakes up to a whole new world every day
Far as a chicken's concerned everything's A-OK
A chicken don't worry 'but nothin' but cluckin' and the price of eggs today
And don't worry much about that
'Cause what the farmer don't snatch before she can hatch
Hell the weasel's gonna steal 'em anyway
A chicken wakes up to a new world
A chicken wakes up to a new world
A chicken wakes up to a whole new world every day
A chicken wakes up to a whole new world every day
A chicken wakes up to a whole new world every day


9. She's A Baby When She Cries (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
She's a baby when she cries
A little girl when she's alone
She's a lady when she sighs
She's a woman when she moans
She's an angel when she comes
She's a gypsy when she goes
Oh I tremble when she hums
Some old song only I know
She's an angel when she comes
She's a gypsy when she goes
Now my heart beats like a drum
She steps out of her clothes


10. Fryin' Bacon Nekkid (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, Dan Bowen Music, Incorporated Friends Music, BMI)
Dennis Knutson, Seven Angels Music, Songs of Polygram, BMI
Kostas, Polygram, BMI
Lovin' you is like fryin' bacon nekkid
Whoa you tempt me darlin' then you torture me
Lovin' you is like fryin' bacon naked
And that's how I feel when you get through with me
Lord, you think I'd know
You thin I'd learn
A man falls in love
A man's gonna get burned
But all I ask from you
Is this solemn pledge
Oh, you can burn the bacon
But please don't scorch the sausage
Lovin' you is like fryin' bacon nekkid
Whoa you tempt me darlin' then you torture me
Lovin' you is like fryin' bacon naked
That's how I feel when you get through with me
What made God put thorns on a rose
He got his reasons, I suppose
Some what makes a woman, what to put her man
Like cold fat back in a hot frying pan
Lovin' you is like fryin' bacon nekkid
Whoa you tempt me darlin' then you torture me
Lovin' you is like fryin' bacon nekkid
That's how I feel when you get through with me, sweet Louise
Baby, that's how I feel when you get through with me


11. Horse I Wanna Ride (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
Dennis Knutson, Knutsongs, BMI
Yeah lets, lets get this before the wheels fall off
All right ready, ready
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
With a saddle on his back
And a bare back heart inside
He'll pull an honest plow 'n still have racing in his stride
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
There's two kinds of horses in this world
Cause only one you can trust to leave untied
Most will bolt like a colt at the first sound of thunder
There's one that will stand and stare the storm in the eye
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
And That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
With a saddle on his back
And a bare back heart inside
He'll pull an honest plow 'n still have racing in his stride
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
There's horses that run to place and show
There's one horse that runs just to win
The kind Jesse James would steel for his bride
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
And That's the kind of horse I wanna ride
With a saddle on his back
And a bare back heart inside
He'll pull an honest plow 'n still have racing in his stride
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride in my life
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride tonight baby
That's the kind of horse I wanna ride


12. Counterman (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, Dan Bowen Music, Incorporated Friends Music, BMI)
Dennis Knutson, Major Bob Music, BMI
Charlie Stefle, Major Bob Music, BMI
Well I'm a counterman at the auto zone store in Burmingham Alabama
We got everything from A to Z some miscellaneous and what have ya
I got the parts to fix all the parts a cars and make them all blow smoke
But I ain't got the part for the part of my heart that woman of mine just broke
But I'm a counterman and Isa counting on her just to stay with me the rest of my life
I's a crazy for wishing that blond beautician would settle down and be my wife
I'd bet a set a plugs she's powdered up and painted dancing hose in her high heels
Cause she pretty as a cherry 57 Chevy and smooth as an Oldsmobile
I even talked to the fram air filter man about making her miss December
On the calendar for the customers and distributors and vendors
Well, my mama said it will probably go to her head and hell I guess my mama was right
Cause I'm putting cashews in my coat she's at the burgundy room tonight
Well I'm a counterman and Isa counting on her just to stay with me the rest of my life
And I's a crazy for wishing that wild beautician would settle down and be my wife
I'd bet a set a plugs she's powdered up and painted dancing hose in her high heels
Cause she pretty as a cherry 57 Chevy and smooth as an Oldsmobile
Ah she pretty as a cherry 57 Chevy and smooth as an Oldsmobile


13. Johnny Cash Has Died (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
It's like this, uh
Rat poison rains falling downtown
A devil's whores wearing a red nightgown
Here I am again in a parking lot just hanging around
Wasting my life waiting for another deal to go down
I can hear that train a comin'
It ain't coming back again
I can hear the angels humming in that Arkansas wind
They're coming to carry him off to the other side
Mama Rosie called Johnny Cash has died
I can hear that train a comin'
It ain't coming back again
I can hear June Carter call
In that Arkansas wind
She's waiting there on the other side
Mama, that was Rosie on the phone
Mama Johnny Cash has died
I can hear that train a comin
It ain't coming back again
I hear the angels humming in that Arkansas wind
He's singing Jackson with June again tonight
Mama wakeup daddy
Tell him Johnny Cash has died
It's the first time my daddy ever cried


14. BB Gun (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
Lay there in the tall grass and laugh at what I'd done
Put a blood blister upon each bun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
I'd love to rub your toothbrush on a sick monkey's butt
Give your home phone number to some perverted nut
Tell everybody what you really weigh and just for fun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
Lay there in the tall grass and wait for the cops to come
Put a blood blister upon each bun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
I'd love to kick your poodle
I'd love to sling your cat
Bust your Yanni CD's with a baseball bat
Send your fat mouth mama sailing like the flying nun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BB gun
Lay there in the tall grass and wait for the cops to come
Put a blood blister upon each bun
I'd like to pop Sally Field right square in the ass with a red rider BB Gun


15. Put Another Log On The Fire (Shel Silverstein, Evil Eye Music Inc., BMI)
Put another log on the fire
Cook me up some beacon and some beans
Go out to the car and change the tire
Worsh my socks and sew my old blue jeans
Come on baby
There you can fill my pop and fetch my slippers
Then boil me up another pot of tea
Go put another log on the fire
Then come and tell me why you're leaving me
Don't I let you worsh my car on Sunday
Don't I warn you when you're gettin fat
And I gonna take you fishin someday
Hell, a man can't love a woman more than that
Ain't I always nice to your kid sister
Don't I take her driving every night
So sit here at my feet
Cause I love it when you sweep
You know it ain't feminine to fight
So, put another log on the fire
Go cook me up some bacon and some beans
Go out to the car and change the tire
Worsh my socks and sew my old blue jeans
Come on baby
Oh you can fill my pop and then go fetch my slippers
And boil me up another pot of tea
Go put another log on the fire
Then come and tell me why you're leaving me


BONUS TRACKS
16. Butt Ugly Slut (New Version) (Roger Alan Wade, Songs of Chandessica, BMI)
17. All Likkered Up (Demo) (Roger Alan Wade, John Richard Wade, Songs Of Chandessica, , Dan Bowen Music, Incorporated Friends Music, BMI)


18. Knoxville Girl
I met a girl in Knoxville
A town we all know well
And every Sunday evening
Out in her home I'd dwell
We went to take an evening walk
About a mile from town
I picked a stick up off the ground
And knocked that fat girl down
She fell down on her bended knees
For mercy she did cry
Oh, Willie dear, don't kill me here
I'm unprepared to die
She never spoke another word
I'll only beat her more
Until the ground around me
Within her blood did flow
I took her by her golden curls
And I drug her 'round and 'round
Throwed her in the river
That flows through Knoxville town
Go down, go down, you Knoxville girl
With the dark and roving eyes
Go down, go down, you Knoxville girl
You can never be my bride
I started back to Knoxville
Got there about midnight
My mother she was worried
And woke up in a fright
Saying, "Dear son, what have you done
To bloody your clothes so?"
I told my anxious mother
I was bleeding at the nose
I called for me a candle
To light myself to bed
I called for me a handkerchief
To bind my achin' head
Rolled and tumbled the whole night through
As troubles was for me
Like flames of hell around my bed
And in my eyes can see
They carried me down to Knoxville
And put me in a cell
My friends all tried to get me out
But none could go my bail
I here to waste my life away
Down in this dirty old jail
Because I murdered that Knoxville girl
The girl I loved so well
Buy Now!

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling – F Jackie


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F. jackie was named long before it was released. After years of even nuns saying that to me, Carl Oglio said, "Why not call the next CD 'F. jackie?' Then every time somebody says it, it'll be promotion."

Sheer genius. In fact, genius enough that I took credit for it until Carl gently reminded me that it was his idea. I still have never seen the proof. Is he right? Yes. But it's so brilliant, I still require proof.

This was recorded in 2000. Once again, the real star of the show is the electric crowd at "The Comedy Palace."

The highlight for me is when a guy yells, "Nice shirt." I had been wearing a silly shirt to bait the crowd for what follows. I had stolen the ridiculous shirt after I wore it in my first film, "Pot Luck." I've worn that shirt for almost every show I've done since.

The CD is my best, by far. I have the rhythm & editing down to a science. For years I've told everybody, "I love all of my CD's, but you can dance to 'F. jackie.' "

- Jackie Martling

F. JACKIE

Tracks:

  • Shouters & Specials
  • Fixers & Fighters
  • Invaders & Interfectors
  • Knobs & Gnashers
  • Lizards & Loungers
  • Imbibers & Idiots
  • Dooties & Deception
  • Twins & Tainters
  • Coffins & Calculus
  • Strollers & Pushers
  • Curers & Carnivals
  • Smoochers & Smellers
  • Taster & Toters
  • Partners & Posers
  • Travelers & Tubesteaks
  • Boozers & Bungholes
  • Chokers & Chewers
  • Sharers & Soloists
  • Handicapped & Halitosis, The
  • Cornholers & Confederates
  • Filchers & Fetchers
  • Taverns & Transplants
  • Dunkers & Delicacies
  • Donors & Disgust

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Henry Phillips – On The Shoulders of Freaks | Number 2


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Always the kid in school who would just as soon lose his lunch as give a speech in front of the class, HENRY PHILLIPS is making up for his childhood insecurities with his hilariously cynical take on our bizarre world. Combining lighthearted pop culture and social observation with taboo-smashing refrains, political jibes and innocent melodies that smack of cool sincerity, the native New Yorker is poised to become the Tom Lehrer of his generation.

Tracks:

  • On the Shoulders of Freaks
  • Sweet Little Blossom of Mine
  • I'll Be Your Everything
  • Drivin'
  • The Bitch Song
  • The First Time I Saw You
  • When We Were Young
  • Your Tax Dollars at Work
  • Jerkin' Around
  • What Do You Want Me To Do About It?
  • The Fight

Henry Phillips "Number 2"


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Henry Phillips, a singer/comedian from New York has released NUMBER 2 (Oglio Records), the follow up album to, ON THE SHOULDERS OF FREAKS.

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Tracks:

  • Talking Again
  • Fresh Out Of Blues
  • Mystery Girl Story Intro
  • Mystery Girl
  • Guitar Pill
  • Hey, Mr. Postman!
  • Urban Myth
  • Roomate Story Intro
  • Roommate From Hell
  • Hit In The Head By A Brick
  • Night I Fell In Love With You, The
  • What Do You Want Me To Do About It? ('99 Version)
  • Jane (Stop This Crazy Thing!)

Andy Dick – Do Your Shows Always Suck?

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Andy Dick - Do Your Shows Always Suck?

Andy Dick, the Comic Innovator, Actor, Musician and Bad Boy has appeared in numerous movies, TV shows and music videos beginning as a cast member on the cult favorite Ben Stiller Show (and numerous cameos in subsequent Stiller movies), NBC’s “News Radio”, ABC’s “Less Than Perfect” and has helmed his own TV shows with MTV’s “The Andy Dick Show” and “The Assistant”. Andy has appeared in music videos from Jessica Simpson, The Donnas, Everclear, Ash, The Eels and Sheryl Crow.

Recorded live at Cobb’s Comedy Club (San Francisco) and on campus at The Ohio State University, his debut “Do Your Shows Always Suck?” album is a blend of spoken word storytelling and acoustic music material representative of his current comedy live act.

The first few copies sold here on coolcds.com will be autographed!

Track Listing with iTunes Links

1)  Therapy
2)  Squirrels
3)  One Friends
4)  I'm Adopted
5)  Ellen DeGeneres
6)  Poke a Hontas
7)  Beautiful Urinal
8)  Homecoming King
9)  Ni**ers!
10) Water On The Brain
11) C**k & Balls
12) My Mother
13) Cancerous Testical
14) Look At Me
15) Ballad of Andy
16) Punkin’ Lovin’
17) Before AYDS Came Out
18) Good Luck With That
19) Chocolate Martini
20) Little Brown Ring
21) Damn Good Pu**y
22) Do Your Shows Always Suck?
23) Dirty Sanchez-v-Hot Karl
24) Jerkin’ Off A Wombat
25) Trash-Elle
26) Would You Rather?
27) Another Great Day For Drugs
28) Mom, You F**king W**re
29) Where Did I Go Wrong?
30) Dip Your C**k In Vodka
31) My Friend Drank So Much Liquor
32) Leonard's A** Is Bleeding
33) Bartender Friendly
34) Angry Pirate

 


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Andy Dick & The Bitches of the Century - Download Only

Originally released in 2002 this masterpiece is now out of print on CD. Andy has now reissued it as a download only.

This item is available as a download from the iTunes Music Store. Click on this link and the iTunes application will be launched and you will be able to preview and order the tracks.

Track Listing with iTunes Links

1)  Love Ninja (The Stalker Song)
2)  Hole Burns
3)  Striped Sunlight
4)  Little Brown Ring
5)  Stephen Hawking
6)  Cock & Balls
7)  Secret Garden
8)  I'll Fuck Anything That Moves
9)  30 Days 30 Nights
10) Little Brown Ring (Remix)

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Name: Oglio Entertainment