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Archive for Catalog Comedy

Back catalog comedy from Oglio Entertainment.

Jackie Martling – Ringtones

 

JACKIE "THE JOKE MAN" MARTLING

RING TONES!

The Joke Man Oh Oh

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The Joke Man Short Laughs

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The Joke Man Long Laughs

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The Joke Man Noises

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The Joke Man Laughs One

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The Joke Man Laughs Two

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The Joke Man Laughs Three

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The Joke Man Laughs Four

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Ringtones cost $1.99 each and charges will appear on your wireless bill, or be deducted from your prepaid balance. This is not a subscription. Message & Data Rates May Apply. Not available for all wireless carriers or mobile phones. For HELP, go to http://www.universalmusic.com/mobile/help. To stop text STOP to 30303.

Parry Gripp – For Those About To Shop, We Salute You

Buy Now!

For Those About To Shop, We Salute You

Track Listing

  • Great Nachos, Great Price
  • Say Hello To Your Band New Favorite Pizza
  • One Donut A Day
  • Fried Chicken
  • Bran Flakes
  • We're Gonna Kick Your Ass Today
  • Time For Tennis
  • European Football
  • Baseball Is Fun
  • Golf
  • Golf Is Groovy
  • Muffler Shop
  • At The Bar
  • London's Calling
  • Health Food Store
  • Pita City Falafel
  • Truck Drivin' Man
  • Big Mamma-Jamma
  • This Is One Hell Of A Truck
  • Good Woman, Good Truck, Good Life
  • Nice Motherf@#!*&g Truck
  • More Blades = Better Shave
  • You've Got To have Faith (In Your Anti-Perspirant)
  • That Aint Fresh
  • Mouthwash
  • Coffee Breath
  • Do You Like Waffles?
  • Waffles Are Outrageous
  • Dippin'
  • Got To Dip It!
  • Everyone's Dipping
  • Beer In A Can
  • You Need A Beer
  • You're My One, You're My Only, You're My Beer
  • Drinkin' A Beer With My Lady
  • Light Beer
  • It's The Greatest Deal
  • Don't Wait Too Long
  • Blue Light Special
  • This Sale Is Going To Blow Your Mind
  • Big Sale
  • Mucho Cafeino, Pico Dinero
  • Drinkin' Time!
  • You Aint Never Drank No Soda Like This One Here
  • She Likes Yoo-Hoo (More Than She Likes Me-Hoo)
  • Leprechaun's Holiday
  • Life's Too Short
  • Why Do I Always Get In The Wrong Line At The Grocery Store?
  • You Can't Sleep
  • You Need Our Cold Medicine
  • Hooray For Santa Claus

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Jaymz Bee & The DLC – Sub Urban

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the record stores comes the release of Jaymz Bee and the Deep Lounge Coalition's new CD "Sub Urban." Having established a huge following in his home country, this Canadian has worked his lounge magic on some of today's hottest Hip-Hop /R&B hits. With full orchestra and guest vocalists, Jaymz Bee has transformed songs from Shaggy, Wu Tang Clan, Snoop Dogg and others into something you might hear in an elevator. Buy it - you'll love it!

Tracks:

  • It Wasn't Me (Originally by Shaggy)
  • Ride Wit Me (Originally by Nelly)
  • Who Let The Dogs Out (Originally by Baha Men)
  • Love Don't Cost A Thing (Originally by Jennifer Lopez)
  • Independent Women (Originally by Destiny's Child)
  • Gravel Pit (Originally by Wu Tang Clan)
  • Thong Song (Originally by Sisqo)
  • Get Ur Freak On (Originally by Missy Elliott)
  • Southern Hospitality (Originally by Ludacris)
  • Gin And Juice (Originally by Snoop Dogg)
  • I Just Wanna Love U (Originally by Jay-Z)
  • Nuthin' But A G Thang (Originally by Dr. Dre
  • Turn Off The Light (Originally by Nelly Furtado)
  • Ms Jackson (Originally by Outkast)

Pull My Finger – Jingle Smells

Jingle Smells says it all. This third installment from the Pull My Finger crowd is in a class by itself (you'll understand). Just picture family and friends gathered 'round the Christmas tree "singing" along with this CD (whew, someone open a window). The CD includes all of your holiday favorites, "enhanced" with trouser trumpets and wind instruments and will have you rolling on the floor and gasping for air.

Tracks:

 

    • The 12 Farts of Xmas
    • We Wish You A Smelly Xmas
    • Oh Gassy Tree
    • Soil The Halls
    • Stinky Dreidel
    • Silent Butt Deadly Night
    • We Wish You A Smelly Xmas (a cappella)
    • Smells To The World
    • Jingle Smells (a cappella)
    • Sugarplum Farties
    • Soil The Halls (a cappella)

Auld Gas Sine

Farts Under The Mistletoe (Exclusive track)

Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling – Kids Jokes

KIDS ONLY JOKES - SQUEAKY CLEAN - 100% FAMILY FRIENDLY

Surprising for most fans of former Stern alumni Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling is the fact he has a quietly successful line of kids electronic toys moving over 150,000 units through non-traditional outlets like Brookstone, Bed, Bath & Beyond and more. Finally available on CD, these are the audio only versions of the electronic toys at a great kids price. With Jackie’s voice sped up to give it a fun munchkin effect, these are 100% kid friendly squeaky clean world’s best kids jokes with the Jokemaster Jr Vol. 1 filled with 99 tracks of knock knock jokes and the Grossmaster Jr with 99 tracks of booger jokes and the likes as only kids can love and listen to over and over again.

With Jackie’s voice sped up to give it a fun munchkin effect, these are 100% kid friendly squeaky clean world’s best kids jokes with the Jokemaster Jr Vol. 1 filled with 99 tracks of knock knock jokes and the Grossmaster Jr with 99 tracks of booger jokes and the likes as only kids can love and listen to over and over again.

Red Peters – Singles, Ringtones, and Podcast

WHEN I JERK OFF, I THINK OF YOU


Red Peters - When I Jerk Off - Single

I CAN'T SAY THESE THINGS

Red Peters - I Can't Say These Things (Unbleeped Version) - Single

RING TONES

Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains

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Holy S, It's Christmas!

Purchase Ring Tone

How's Your Whole... Family?

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I Wanna Polka Polka

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Pullin' It All Night Long

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Take It Out At The Ballgame

Purchase Ring Tone

The Closing Song

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The Ten Second National Anthem

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You Ain't Getting S For Xmas

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You Promised The Moon

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The Red Peters Song Snatch

Podcast

Red Peters – Ol Blue Balls Is Back

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OL' BLUE BALLS IS BACK

Track Listing

1. Alan Pinchloaf Welcome (w/Pinchloaf's Theme)

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Alan Pinchloaf Welcome (With Pinchloaf's Theme)

2. The Spelling Songp

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - The Spelling Song

3. I Don't Just Love You Down There

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - I Don't Just Love You Down There

p4. Pullin' It All Night Long

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pullin' It All Night Long

5. Pinchloaf segue #1

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pinchloaf Segue #1

6. The First Time I Met You

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - The First Time I Met You

7. I Wanna Polka Polka

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - I Wanna Polka Polka

8. Doggy Style

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Doggy Style

9. Babe's Auto Villa

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Babe's Auto Villa

10. Pinchloaf segue #2

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pinchloaf Segue #2

11. You Ain't Getting' Shit For Christmas

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - You Ain't Gettin' Shit for Christmas

12. Up Your Ass

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Up Your Ass

13. Long And Hard

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Long and Hard

14. Natural Causes Chicken

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Natural Causes Chicken

15. The Closing Song

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - The Closing Song

16. Pinchloaf segue #3

p>Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Pinchloaf Segue #3

17. Use Your Hand

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Use Your Hand

18. Take It Out At The Ballgame

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Take It Out At the Ballgame

19. Peenitch

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Peenitch

20. Gourmet Firewood

Red Peters - Ol' Blue Balls Is Back - Gourmet Firewood

OL BLUE BALLS IS BACK

LYRICS

Red Peters
with Babe Marino Orchestra and the Phillip Oliver Hole Singers
"The Spelling Song"
(Stevens, Grenga, Johnson)

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E

These are the words that I wanted to shout
but I guess it's just best
if I spell them out

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E
I-C-A-N-T-S-T-A-N-D-Y-O-U, no more
G-E-T-T-H-E-F-U-C-K-O-U-T, the door

These are the words that I want to say
I think I shall use
an alternative way

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E

(girls only)
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-T-O-O-E-A-T-M-E
Red- "Hey, wait a minute"
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-T-O-O-E-A-T-M-E
Red- "Nice talk."

I quite understand what I think that you mean
so I'll try to reply
without being obscene
F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-B-L-O-W-M-E

Red Peters
with The Harry Kuntz Orchestra
" I Don't Just Love You Down There"
(McMahon, Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

I don't just love you down there
I really care about you as a person
I don't just dream of your thighs
for in my eyes
you fill up my skies
with your prize
but I really love you as a person

I keep on dreaming
and scheming
and reaming
you're gleaming
and screaming
tonite

I don't just love you down there
yet I'm aware
what you've got down there
that's where I stare
but I really love you as a person
I really, really do....

Red Peters
with Hot Spunky Load
"Pulling It All Night Long"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long Aha- oh yeah
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long Aha- oh yeah

I'm standing here
solution in hand
half in the bag
all buffed and tanned
It's been so long
and it's getting long again
so come on over
and meet your new friend

Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.
Keep pulling all night long
Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long.

Keep pulling all night long
that tingling feeling
has got me on my feet
hands in my pockets
pulling to the beat
now there's a spot on you
and a smile on my face
let's skip the small talk
and cut to the chase

Girls- "Hey Mona, what's up? (laffing) Oh my God look what's coming our way. Nice do!"
Red- "Hi ladies... My name's Testicles, Lord of the Pants."
Girls- "what he say?, I think he said he's got a load in his pants."
Red- "Mind if I lay a few scenarios on you?"
Red- "If I jumped on your back, would you beat me off?
Girls- "Ehwww..."
Red- "If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?"
Red- "If I owned a meat market and you were inside, and all of a sudden it caught on fire, would you take my meat and beat it?"
Girls- "What an asshole!!!"
bkgds: "Someone's gonna be pullin it, that someone's gonna be you..."
Girls- "Oh no, here he comes again."
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Red- "May I have your e-mail address? "
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Girl- "Yah... kiss my ass.com"
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Red- "Why don't you fax me sometime?"
Singers- Keep pulling all night long
Girl- "I wouldn't fax you if you were the last guy on earth."
Red- "Thanks for the input."
Singers- Keep pulling all night long, pulling it all night long
etc.

Red Peters
with The Windbreakers and the Delicious Dips
"The First Time That I Met You"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

I wandered through this crazy town, my head up in a cloud
Looking for a place to do my biz
I zipped my fly and saw that I'd attracted quite a crowd
but your face it was the one I couldn't miss

The first time that I saw you baby
I thought I stepped in shit
At least that's what it felt like baby
the more I think of it.
Now I stand here unafraid
I wanna get laid (he wants to get laid)
I wanna get laid

we talked all nite and got to know each other inside out
you taught me what it means to be a girl
and should I find it hard again I won't sit here and pout
we'll take a little trip around the world

(girls only)
The first time that you met me baby
you thought that I was such a pig

(Red)
but that's what I love about you baby
You really do the things I dig
and I'm so glad that you stayed
now I wanna get laid

I wanna get laid in the sunshine
I wanna get laid in the moonlight baby
I'd rather get blown but I'll settle for a handy
as long as it's your hand and not my own

The first time that we held each other
I thought I'd lose my place
you guided me inside your mind, love
and then onto your face
The greatest love the world has ever known
I wanna get blown (he wants to get blown)
I wanna get blown
and then I wanna get laid

Red Peters
with the Ivan Offelcockich Orchestra
"I Wanna Polka Polka"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

See that girl with the pretty red dress on,
I wanna polka.
I love the way she spins and twirls,
I wanna polka.

Oh how I wish that she'd look my way now,
Then I could polka.
I'd love to feel those pretty little curls,
How I wanna polka.

We took a little trip down to Love Canal (NY),
So I could polka.
but we stopped in French Lick, Indiana
No time to polka!

Intercourse Pennsylvania was my destination
wanted to polka.
But she left me down in Blue Ball PA,
Never got to polka.

well I went up to Maine to Bangor
then I went down to Florida to Tampa
but when all is said and done
I'd rather polka.

We spent sometime in Flushing NY,
I had to polka.
She said not until we get to Hygiene CO,
then maybe I could polka.

I said first let's stop at Moorehead Jersey,
before I polka.
Things got salty in Saline Michigan,
Never got to polka.

She said let's go to Bonesteel, (SD)
now there's a place I'll polka.
but it went Askew in Mississppi,
Didn't know if I could polka.

Climax MI was our destination,
She wanted me to polka.
but I had to make a stop in Crappo MD,
I lost the urge to polka.

well I went up to Maine to Bangor
then I went down to Florida to Tampa
but when all is said and done
I'd rather polka.

French Lick, Love Canal
Blue Ball, Moorehead
I Wanna Polka

Bonesteel, Intercourse
Climax, Crappo
I Wanna Polka

Tampa, Flushing
Hygiene, Saline
I Wanna Polka

Gaysport (OH), Gayhead (MA)
Gayville (SD), Mudlick (KY)
I Wanna polka

Red Peters
with Meat Raffle and Cousins & Lovers
"Doggy Style"
(Grenga, Phillips)

Shitfaced on Sunday, work on Monday,
Tuesday's kind of a drag
Wednesday's a hummer, Thursday's a bummer,
Fridays I'm half in the bag
Saturday evenin', I'm still reelin'
from a ten pack Smirnoff nips
Now I can barely see your face
so put away those chains and whips

cause I say
Let's do it doggy style
Let's do it doggy style
Let's do it doggy style so we can both watch TV

January, February, April May June and July
August September, October November,
whatever happened to March
New Year's evenin', I'm still reelin'
from a twelve pack o' Miller beer
Quit blockin the television babe
and get your sweet ass over here

Now Hee Haw is my favorite program.
And Flipper and the Simpsons ain't bad
Now I don't like the Nanny but I like watchin her fanny
and Gloria's gotten so fat that it makes me sad yeah
and that Ginger is one hot tomatah,
but I think I prefer Mary Ann
Now if you don't wanna do it the hell with it screw it
just don' let me take matters into my own hands yeah

Red Peters
with Smelly Water with The Alan Pinchloaf Singers
"You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas"
(Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

They say Christmas is a time for giving - at least that's what the good book says, and at our house every Christmas Eve my son and daughter and their families drive down from the big city for an old fashioned family holiday. Ma dresses the house up like a Christmas card, you can hear her in the kitchen singing while she's baking cookies for the children. Ma spends hours wrapping the presents she's been buying since last August and hangs all the stockings over the fireplace. The morning of, I cut me down the prettiest darn Christmas tree you ever saw in your life. Eh, this year we really outdid ourselves. You know, Ma and I are getting on in our years so we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 apiece.

I reckon it was around noon, I heard the dogs barking (yells "Come Rags!, Come Guzzler!") and there was Jim the mailman in his old santa cap, coming up the walk teasing the dogs, holding a package. Well he handed it over to me and says "Pappy, looks like you got an overnite package from your daughter". I went back in the kitchen and Ma tore it open. To our horror we unwrapped a fruitcake with a note that read...

"Aloha Ma & Dad, at the last minute we got a cheap fare on the internet and went to Hawaii. Hold onto our gifts until after the first of the year. Love, Princess."

Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

You know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years and I've been off the sauce a while myself and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinking again. (sfx-doorbell) Who in tarnation could that be, Junior and his family? It was some delivery fella standing there holding what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached.

"Pop, the company's condo is free this week and you know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head. Please forward our gifts to this address."

Hey Ma, save some for me.
Well, Ma took a coniption things turned ugly. She started breaking things and hurled the turkey and those two fruitcakes right through the front window, the whole time she was yelling...

You Ain't Getting Shit For Christmas
You can shove that fruitcake up your ass
well you ain't getting shit
no you ain't getting dick
you ain't getting shit for Christmas

Red Peters
with Shootin' Pool With A Rope
Long And Hard
(Orrall)

I was never good enough for you
Except for all those sleepless nights
When you loved me black and blue

You said I was good for nothing
But there's one thing I could do
Now your memory's trying to tell you

If you think about me long hard
You'll remember why you love me
Think about the length
Of time you spent just above me.

In the bedroom, in the car,
in the nieghbor's yard
You'll remember why you love
If you think about me long and hard.

The way you look is practically a crime
A man would have to be insane
to leave that behind
You'll never find a smiling fool
with one as big as mine,
I wonder now how do you fill your time.

If you think about me long hard
You'll remember why you love me
Think about the length
Of time you spent just above me.

In the kitchen, in your truck
I know I measured up
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.

In the front yard 'n the rear
After half a dozen beers
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.

In the outhouse, in the woods
Hell anywhere we could.
You'll remember why you love me
If you think about me long and hard.

Red Peters
and Dumpster Punch
"The Closing Song"
(Vercillo, Grenga, Stevens, Johnson)

It's that time again
we gotta say good night
you know it's getting late
tomorrow is another day my friend

you don't have to go home
but you can't stay here
now you're making me mad
you gonna make me swear

get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
you might as well call it a night my friend
you gonna have ta
get the fuck out

all right... aha... mmm

maybe I'm outta line
but I'll take the blame
there are no better choice of words
that I can use to explain

get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my friend
you gonna have to
get the fuck out
get the fuck out

Hey Buddy, I'm talking to you
thanks for comin', now pay your tab and screw
make like a drum and beat it
make like a tree and leave
all you fellas and cinderellas
I'm giving you the heave

ooo, get the fuck outta here
finish up that beer
call it a night old friend
get the fuck out
get the fuck out

so long
arrivederci
sayanara
ciao
good night
Bye bye
so long
farewell
see you later
alligator
in a while
crocodile
say goodnight
get the fuck out
get the fuck outta here
come on
give me a fuckin' break
(customer) "Can I get a refill, please?"
hey, you, fuckface
get outta here
what are you, fuckin' deaf?
yah, you...

Red Peters
with Marshmellow Piggy Bank
and The Moron Tabernipple Choir orchestra conducted by Yo Ma Ma
"Use Your Hand Anthem"
(Stevens, Lawry, Johnson, Grenga)

Yesterday when we spoke
you said you'd do anything
anything I asked you to do
yesterday when we spoke
you promised me love and affection
and honey I'm long overdue

but when I see you
I know that things aren't looking right
there is something about you
that says "no, not tonite."

when I'm all backed up
how can you leave me this way
you gotta do me a favor
and this is all I'll say...
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand (have mercy now)
Use Your Hand On Me
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand On Me

now we're sitting side by side
kissing in the car
but everytime I reach for anything
I don't get very far
I can see you're hot and heavy
you're soaking up my seat
can't you see my balls are blue
my face red as a beet

when I'm all backed up
how can you leave me this way
you gotta do me a favor
and this is all I'll say...
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand
Use Your Hand (have mercy now)
Use Your Hand On Me
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand (use your hand)
Use Your Hand

Buy Now!

Red Peters – I Laughed I Cried I Fudged My Undies

 

Buy Now!

RED PETERS

I LAUGHED... I CRIED... I FUDGED MY UNDIES!

Track Listing

1. Baby Blue Intro (with Alan Pinchloaf)

Red Peters with Alan Pinchloaf - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Baby Blue Intro

2. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

3. How's Your Whole... Family?

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - How's Your Whole.....Family?

4. The Two Gay Irishmen

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - The Two Gay Irishmen

5. Rocket In My Pants

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Rocket In My Pants

6. Intro By Alan Pinchloaf

Alan Pinchloaf - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Intro

7. Holy Shit, It's Christmas

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Holy Shit, It's Christmas

8. Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Ballad of a Dog Named Stains

9. The Dark Years: Stains Incident / Tourette Benefit / I'm A Pig / Did You Ever Fudge Your Undies In The Rain? / Fudge Rap / Oggie, The Doggie Bag Slicer / Italian Polka

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - The Dark Years

10. Little Peter

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Little Peter

11. You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - You Promised the Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)

12. Baby Blue

(Instrumental)

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Baby Blue (Instrumental)

13. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

(Instrumental)

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Blow Me (Instrumental)

14. You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)

(Karaoke Mix)

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - You Promised the Moon (Karaoke Mix)

15. Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)

(Karaoke Mix)

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Blow Me (Karaoke Mix)

16. Diana

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - Diana

17. The 10 Second National Anthem

Red Peters - I Laughed.....I Cried....I Fudged My Undies! - The Ten Second National Anthem

Red Peters
with The Heywood Jablomi Singers
"Baby Blue"

(Grenga/Stevens/Lawry)

Baby Blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby, baby blue
Baby blew.....
...me.

Red Peters
with The Babe Marino Orchestra
(featuring The Alan Pinchloaf Singers)
"Blow Me (You Hardly Even Know Me)"

(Stevens/Grenga)

(whispered)
"This is very special...
Hi Dick... Bob.
... pretty good thanks."

(sung)
Blow me
You hardly even know me
just set yourself below me
and blow me... tonite.

a handy
would certainly be dandy
but it's not enough to slow me
you gotta blow me... allright.

when you part your lips that way
ooo... I want you night and day
when you squeeze my balls so tight
I wanna blow my load with all my might!!

so blow me
you hardly even know me
just set yourself below
you gotta blow me tonite

"Come on everybody!!!" (whole audience joins in)

Blow me
You hardly even know me
so blow me
you gotta blow me
so blow me
Blow me tonite!

Red Peters
with Tex Marino and The Poisonaires
"How's Your Whole... Family?"
(Stevens/Grenga/Lawry)

How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?
How's your whole... family?

How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?

How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-)
How's your dic-tation machine? (How's your dic-tation machine?)
How's your dic-tation machine?

Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today. (ah-ooo)
Take your pants down... to the cleaners today.

Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (come on-a wanna baby won't you do his as-)
Won't you do my as-trological chart? (oh won't you do his as-trological chart?)
Won't you do my as-trological chart?

Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me. (stiff cock- ah-ooo)
Suck on a stiff cock-tail with me.

How's your whole... family? (How's your whole?)
How's your whole... family? (Tell me how's that great big whole)
How's your whole... family? (How's your whole... family?)
How's your whole... family?
(spoken) "Prick!"

Red Peters
with the Smokin' Cockneys
"The Two Gay Irishmen"

(Stevens/Grenga/Johnson/Lawry)

The whole clan met at Galway Bay
where seamen push up stools
they were giggling like the Coleens
and playing pocket pool
they washed their balls in stout that night
and bid their last good-byes
"We're off to kiss the Blarney Stone,
so zipper up your flys!"

Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on you're way to Blarney
with Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!

"Well grab your bags!" cried Pat Magroin
it's time to pick your seat.
While Paddy O'Furniture grabbed the wheel
Dick Burns turned up the heat
they fiddled and diddled all full of malarky
their trousers felt a lump
so the Bulgers grabbed their Johnsons
and gave them all a pump

Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on you're way to Blarney
with Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!

Well Peter Hickey, Rick O'Shea
Neal Downe and Phillip McCann
Dick Long pulled out his shillelagh
and with it lead the band
Phil McCracken started snackin'
on leprechaun-on-the cob
the bus began to rumble
and heads began to bob.

And so they kissed the Blarney Stone
and grabbed the gift of gab
Connie Lingus snapped their portrait
in front of that mossy slab
all they had on were the smiles on their faces
a grinnin' from ear to ear
from left to right
I'll call out their names
I'll tell you who was there...

Well fudge your undies laddies
you're on the way to Blarney
with...

Pat Magroin
Paddy O'Furniture
Dick Long
the Bulgers, the Johnsons
Peter Hickey
Rick O'Shea
Neal Downe
Phillip McCann
Dick Burns
Phil McCracken
Michael Fitzpeter
Peter Fitzmichael
Maurice Fitzhenry
Henry Fitzmaurice
and...
Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald
the two gay Irishmen!
the two gay Irishmen!
the two gay Irishmen!

Red Peters
with the Joy Kingoff Singers
"Rocket In My Pants"

(Grenga/Stevens)

I took the shuttle to your pad last nite
my Venus rising as you held it so tight
you had me in a trance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

Alpha Centuri wasn't far from the scene
Aurora Borealis, I don't know what that means
cuz when you said let's dance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

Two hearts traveling on vacation
one fine Sunday afternoon
my pod enters your space station
my capsule was upright
so I parked it overnite

And so two space ships that pass in the sky
have docked successfully the very first try
an astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

My pod enters your space station
My Sputnik fit so tight
I launched a satellite

And so two space ships that pass in the sky
have docked successfully the very first try
an astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

An astronomical romance (where the fuck is France?)
An astronomical romance
I got a rocket in my pants
over you.

Red Peters
with The New Christy Hamsters
"Holy Shit, It's Christmas!"

(Grenga/Stevens/Johnson/Lawry)

SFX - Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.
(off in the distance) "Ho, ho, ho....."
Hamster #1 - "Did you hear that?"
Hamster #2 - "Hey everybody, Santa's here!"
Hamster #3 - "Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus."
Hamster #2 - "There is, too!"
SFX - knock on door
Hamsters - "He's here!!!"
SFX - door bursts open
Red - "Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!"
Hamster #1 - "Aw, shit, it's Red Peters..."
Hamsters - "Awww..." (grumbling in unison)
Red - "Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here. We're gonna sing us a happy Christmas song."
Hamster #1 - "Oh no, not another corny, stupid song."
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, no way Red."
Hamsters - "Yeah, yeah..."
Red - "Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!"
Hamsters - "OK!, OK!...jeesh!"

SUNG
Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me
forget about out all that teasin'
we're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree
cuz it's that jolly season
I know you been naughty, but have you been nice
that's only Santa's business
he's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

HAMSTERS
Santa comes just once a year
just like you Red, that's what we hear
he's got a soft spot for reindeer
especially Rudolph's derriere
knock it off fellas it's a holiday
go on give santa a big kiss
you can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

Red - "Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyric sheet?"
Hamster #1 - "Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.
We know our parts by heart. Right fellas?" (giggles)
Hamster #2 - "Yeah, sure, I know my part, Godfried." (giggles)
Hamster #3 - "Yah, me too!" (giggles)
Red- "Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs."

SUNG
(Godfried) - Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse
after drinking all the eggnog
(Bruce) - camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two
squashing off a yule log
(Raliegh) - he wandered in his undies all over the house
but we minded our own business
(Hamsters) - til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube
(All) - Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
(Red) Santa comes just once a year
up the chimney he'll disappear
(hamsters) keep on the look out for Mr. Gear
hamster deliveries in the rear
Red - (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking...) "Gimme those lyrics!!!"

Roastnuts chestin' on an open fire
Santas tongue stuck to the doorknob
His balls got fondled by a carolin' choir
While the parson gave him a hand... what?
The sleigh came down and took him away
That whole damn crowd was dismissed
It was time to be jolly, a time to be gay

Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!
Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

Red Peters
with Smelly Water
featuring The Dickner Brothers (Iben, Uben & Heben)
"Ballad Of A Dog Named Stains"

(Stevens/Johnson/Lawry/Grenga)

(spoken word)
I was sittin' out on the porch the other night
reminiscing about the good ole days
and how my grandson Bobby and I would finish up chores
and mosey on into town.
Heck, we were poor back then
but we loved window shopping.
And I recall how excited Bobby'd get
'specially when we stopped by the pet shop.
you see, there was this one little puppy
that he really took a hankerin' to
and he'd look up at me and say
"Grandpa... if that was my dog, I'd name him Stains,
cuz of that splash of white on his coat."
Well, right then and there, I made a up my mind,
that I'd get that little critter for Bobby
so that following mornin', I cashed in a savings bond and brought the little mutt home.
Darnit, I couldn't tell you who was happiest that day,
me, Bobby or that there dog.
Them two were inseparable ....
why, you'da need a crowbar to separate those two.
And to this day, I can still hear the boy hollerin' after that dog...
still hear him calling... calling out his name...

(sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can Hear him calling...Come Stains!

(spoken word)
you know, we don't like talkin' about it much
but it was that following winter
that little Bobby took ill.
and they don't allow dogs at the hospital
so back home you'd find Stains on Bobby's bed.
I'll never forget the day Doc called
and gave us the bad news about Bobby
out of the corner of my eye
I saw Stains lift his sad little dogface from Bobby's pillow.
Somehow he knew that Bobby was gone
and I swear to the good lord
that Stains was hearing Bobby calling out to him one more time from heaven
he just sorta smiled, crossed his paws like he was prayin'
put his head on the pillow..........and passed away.

(sung)
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!
Come Stains! Come Stains!
I still can hear him calling, Come Stains!

(boy and dog united in Heaven) "Come Stains! Come Stains!...Stains!...Woof, woof..."

Red Peters
with the Dusty Underbed Orchestra
"Little Peter"

(Grenga/Stevens)

When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
And there's no one
Lying next to me
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
Little Peter keeps me company

When I'm in the can
When I take a shit
I can see him smiling up at me
so I pull him once
then I pull him twice
now I find it's impossible to pee

If you go
I'll be a one man show
But if you stay
I'll put my friend away

When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
And there's no one
Lying next to me
When I'm all alone
And I'm by myself
Little Peter keeps me company
Little Peter keeps me company.

Red Peters
with The Babe Marino Orchestra
"You Promised The Moon (But I Preferred Uranus)"

(Grenga/Stevens)

You promised the moon
but I preferred Uranus
the stars must be right
cuz Uranus looks good tonight.

The moon was in June
how it inflamed us
a beautiful sight
and Uranus looks good tonite.

I'm not queer
I'm just experimenting an idea *
the feeling's unrelenting
when you're near
that feeling starts extending
towards your rear.

Ain't it clear
I just wanna bone ya'
have no fear
I'm not full of balogna

You and I could fly to Uranus tonite!

I'm not queer
I'm just experimenting an idea *
the feeling's unrelenting

when you're near
that feeling starts extending
towards your rear
Ain't it clear
I just wanna bone ya'
have no fear
I'm not full of balogna

You and I could fly so high
in the sky, in the night
well allright, yah, you bite
You and I could fly to Uranus!

* overheard conversation at restaurant

 

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